The book that was never written…lets see can it be a blog…at least this time there will no mad writer for me to end up living with, other than myself….

I am currently waiting for a result of a biopsy to tell me if I have breast cancer or not and by this time tomorrow will likely know. I am pretty convinced it will be positive, yet with every fibre of me hope it is not. I have cried a lot since I left the breast clinic (how quickly these rather mad names for places become normal – today I don’t see it a building shaped like a breast with a nipple as the doorbell) and I am crying now, wondering if the tears will wash away the fear and sense of imminent death…

I realised today that I rock these situations – I battle, I panic, I laugh, I sink into despair, and I have every single time come out on top. So why should this be different? I have walked through hell, whatever that really means, I have seen the sense of ridiculous in horrific situations, I have always, always managed to belly laugh and I will continue to do so.

Searching for a sense of meaning in all of this: perhaps if I find the meaning, the bigger picture, then I will be OK. If I can understand it, then that will save me. Bargaining – with who I am entirely unsure – has begun.

The enormity of this journey overwhelms me because of who I am. If it is cancer, there are many stages to go through until I find out what I am actually dealing with. And then when I do I have to process it – and then research the fuck out of it – look at every single angle, treatment, story, research I can lay my hands on and absorb them all. Build my next steps from soaking in as much information as I possible can, make sure I am in control of what is happening to me and that I do not hand my power over to experts alone because they are not me. And the thought of all that today exhausts me. As I walk that journey I will feel every step: go through every emotion, my intuition and intellect on overdrive. But right now I want to sleep. And not wake at 5am scared.

So for today the message is about love. I am truly loved and I truly love. I will let those that love me help me, I will proactively seek their help. I am not alone and words cannot describe the feeling of looking around and seeing the depth of care and love that surrounds me close and far. I today vow that I will let that love help me maintain joy and laughter, from the heart, no matter what. Once I stop crying.