So I got the all clear. All clear mammogram, all clear ultrasound, all clear rock hard boob to not replace the implant for now.

And all clear pretty much overall – the lovely surgeon drew me a diagram with a vertical line denoting risk, and a horizontal line for time. For the first two years post completion of treatment, the graph was near the top of the risk, with a steep drop at year three then remaining only slightly above average risk after that. So I said OK, I have another year. Apparently not – she replied saying that was for people who were high risk and I was not in that group – she didn’t directly say it, but implied I was in the lower line already.

It was totally surreal. The whole thing. I quite literally haven’t been able to land it since. Also not quite sure why she drew me that diagram…to then tell me that wasn’t me. But then the vast majority of my experiences at The Marsden have erred on the more ridiculous side of things…

So I went in thinking best case scenario that I would get a reprieve for 6 months to a year  and left being told this is about as good as it gets, come back in one year.

You’d think I would be shouting from the rooftops, thrilled, etc – well, you may not, but I would have thought it. Instead I am in this weird state of shock. I barely made it home from the hospital, crawling into bed with complete exhaustion – a feeling that has remained every since to greater or lesser degrees.

I am not happy. I am not celebrating. I feel as if I have been crashing, the exhaustion more prevalent than anything else, a state of confusion. I can intellectualise it to a degree – my whole life for 2.5 years has been about cancer in one form or another. And completely unexpectedly that has now gone. There is an enormous sense of grief and loss – for what I am not entirely sure, but its like carrying a weight of those things around at the moment. I can’t actually cry, I am in limbo.

Its like an enormous letting go that I cannot process right now. Letting go of the fear, the uncertainty, the focus on only life or death, on surviving, on grieving. I can see objectively that the next part of my life is going to be fascinating – without have the slightest clue what it will entail. Mostly since Thursday I feel overwhelming exhaustion and the realisation of the weight I have been carrying – but can’t seem to actually let it go just yet.

I have changed, fundamentally. And I find that really difficult for some reason. The way I dealt with cancer was different to the ways I have dealt with massive life events before. I didn’t go in fighting, I didn’t crash and burn – ha, well I did a bit with work – but I didn’t self destruct. Those changes were kind of manageable while I have been living life in limbo in many ways since I got back from SE Asia – I really haven’t had a sense of purpose since I got back and now with the all clear, whenever I do fully land it, it will be time to move on with my life. Whatever that looks like. With the new and changed me.

Lost is probably a good word right now. Feeling like I am completely fucking insane is another set of words – deeply aware that I have wonderful, wonderful news and yet feel this way….go fucking figure….