I have been unbelievably happy, frivolous and behaving like a teenager. Except enjoying the teenage part this time round, less a reliving than a discovering. All this since I moved back to the UK last November, 27 years after having left – never thinking I would love it back in London as much as I do.

My 24 year old and I, squashed into our 2 bed flat with the little ones (7&8) have bonded all over again – not least over the hilarity and surreal world that is Tinder and online dating. I, on more than one occasion, laughed that bit harder as I was dating like mad while she seemed to be more focussed on some aspect of our domestic life. Complete and utter role reversal. Then both of us would collapse in fits of loud and almost raucous laughter – as I am trying to show her a picture of some poor unfortunate and she is telling me she is too busy washing up and can I please just wait a few minutes…

And out of all this debauchery, I appear to have met someone who, through entirely my own desire, has made me want to drop the 17 year old behaviour and see where this bring us..but for another blog…

Each morning has been an adventure here in London for me – most recently waking and thinking about the man I have met, or before that some sort of silly adventure. Some panics about work and the uncertainty, but always fleeting. This morning I woke, reached for my phone, saw my 24 year is finally behaving like a 24 year and was out for the night, smiled when I read a message from the man…and then remembered I probably have breast cancer. And I was so sad – a dark cloud over my head, quite literally – and I am more familiar with that than the lightness I have been loving so much the last 8 months.

And this is exactly what I cannot let the cancer, if it is cancer, do. Become the cloud that will shadow my life because then it will have won. I have always seen/felt cancer as a dark, dark energy, so no, I cannot allow that to become my life.

Today I will likely hear if it is cancer or not – I feel in my heart that it is – and I will have to find a way to keep feeling the joy and lightness. No, not in a psychotic, shrill, ‘look at me, I really am happy, happy, happy’ as I break down into hysteria…but in a real way. Because if it is cancer, it is one part of me, on thing that is happening to me, one thing I will have to deal with. But there are so many more parts of me, so many internal and external things that make me so happy and these have not left, they are all still there exactly as they were before this started. Its just up to me to choose which will take precedence in my life at any given moment.