My NBF Prem clearly has decided being my BF takes too much hard work…Something appears to be going on, or perhaps again I am inventing things so that all of this may make some sense to me, but I find it strange I haven’t received my FNA results yet. Note…I am already getting with the lingo…Fine Needle Aspiration…the lesser invasive test which shows if the cells in the lumps are cancerous or not.

She mailed today at lunchtime saying the results weren’t in and that my doc would call later if they had them – no call so far and its 7pm. Did she have them already and didn’t want to tell me? Did the doc have to call as they were positive for cancer cells? And are they positive but they want to wait for the biopsy results to tell me all at the same time -it is cancer and what type etc etc it is? Or are they all too busy and the results actually aren’t in, simple? I have no idea. But fuck, it got to me today.

I am edgy and restless….I wanted to see the man…but he is busy so I will not see him before I go to Amman on Sunday. A part of me wanted to scream ‘that is not OK – I want you NOW’….but of course I didn’t because…because I just fucking don’t do that….perhaps its time to start….Although he will collect me from the airport on 16th July where we get to spend 24 hours together before I leave again on 18th. I can’t remember the last time someone collected me from the airport….well, someone other than a random taxi or hired driver holding a sign with my misspelt name and/or that of Save the Children or International Medical Corps. Or with a very large cohort of armed guards. The man said he could try to look like a dodgy driver when he comes to Heathrow so it would be more familiar to me,  I suggested his sign read ‘sex this way’.

So I will go out – to an NA gig where the only people I will know are actually performing. This is a nice way of saying I will go out alone because clearly I am so sad. But I want loud music and I want to dance. Even if only for an hour. And I have had to hold it together all day with all my children and I’m emotionally exhausted from it. Hayley said to me clearly that right now she cannot handle what is going on – she will of course handle it if I do have cancer, but right now its too much. She is absolutely amazing. My gut feeling was right in not telling her much, I have dropped in a few things and left it at that – breaking it gently what the possibilities are, but literally just a few mentions. She knows clearly on a level – we are way too connected for her to not – but does not need to know on any other level for now.

And what do I need today? I need to cry, but I can’t as I am surrounded by my children, I need to be held, and I have been in beautiful ways by my friends, but I want a man’s arms around me as well, I need to stay real and grounded – I can work on that, I need to laugh a lot more than I have today. I think I am going to have a shower and cry in the shower as no-one can hear me there nor will they come in. Then I will get dressed and go out and dance – like a total lunatic. Sod this, I am not taking it lying down one way or another.