Well, I think I will get the results this afternoon…my ISIS NBF said that the results take a few hours and then to come to his office on the afternoon of the test. However, in my experience, things are rarely as they seem when it comes to timings in the Middle East so lets see….

I got caught up in a load of work e-mails since I started this…and weirdly am a bit calmer…my work colleagues must think I am (more) insane. I get exhausted very easily, although working around the clock, I keep talking about wanting to get to a spa (because I am trying to fit something in that is for me,….failing so far since it is apparently impossible to get a manicure or pedicure in Amman before Eid on Friday. Really.) and then randomly disappear like today.

I was not in good shape last night…the tiredness, sense of aloneness, and actually for the first time in all this falling into victim mode. The crying was different, less of a release and more of a falling into a dark pit. And I cannot and will not let that happen. The man helped…immensely….more than I am comfortable with as feeling intensely vulnerable and then letting a man in to that degree is terrifying. But then so is cancer, so fuck it.

Weirdly, because of course this whole journey has been so normal so far, I am randomly feeling a sense of positivity and almost excitement. I suppose `i have been terrified about this since my diagnosis, and now I will find out one way or another. And I felt very strongly after the biopsy that I had cancer, I cried every day, I felt it before the results – although was convinced before I went to hospital that it wasn’t – and now I do not feel like it has spread. And when I got my breast cancer diagnosis, which feels like 100 years ago, I fell apart wondering I would tell Hayley and deal with the little ones and all of that. Now, telling her I ‘only’ have breast cancer is really not phasing me at all – I am confident that I can and will deal and recover from breast cancer well – shit journey at times, but immensely doable. So, the unthinkable and insurmountable has become literally easy in my mind. And today, if the worst case scenario does happen, `I will fall apart just like I did last week, I will be terrified I will die, it will all feel too much. And then I will get up again. And I will have all of you to pick me up and keep me there. Because that is exactly what has just happened and you are all fucking amazing – truly amazing.

So off I go – to become irradiated – so glad I eat organic food when I am at home, avoid chemicals and so forth….

Stay with me today my friends, as you have been every day, and I know that no matter what all will be well. Insane as that sounds, I really do feel that today.