May well be what sends me over the edge today. I have quite literally been counting down the hours until I see the man…with lots of talk about collapsing in a heap, feeling safe and well, other stuff I don’t need to list here. I was due to land at 1445, he is meeting me at the airport…and now it will be 1730, horrible traffic to get to his place, 3 precious hours less together. Appreciate it sounds ridiculous, but there have been many times I have hung on to this to get through certain times and days…and its just been moved a bit further away….I know by seeing him, I will have the boost to then go home on Friday, tell Hayley, hold a positive space for the little ones and get them all to the airport without falling apart. I have reserved Sunday for that.

Practical update: I have 3 CD’s with all the images – PET, CT and MRI – to bring back with me. The MRI yesterday was truly horrible, but its done. And I have been so very touched by the medical care, in the literal sense, here. Long story, but ended up in 3 different places before finally getting the right one for the MRI, which was a regular imaging place as opposed to doctors surgery etc. After the MRI, I was told I needed a scan. I was slightly confused but off I went – (I will have to be careful as soon I will be whipping my top off everywhere since its become so normal in the last week – and yes, I hear all of your comments to that), the radiographer came in and asked me about my lumps, I told her I had cancer. It turns out the referral form hadn’t mentioned this, they saw it on the MRI and were concerned so wanted to talk to me and do further examination. Way, way over and above their role – genuinely caring.

And on the note of caring, I spoke to a GP yesterday to get me referred to the Royal Marsden – I don’t actually have a specific GP as only registered with a clinic in the UK when I found the lumps so saw one once to refer me.  As I mentioned, realised how utterly crap Homerton Hospital had been and how much I don’t want to go back there. And I don’t have to. She was also lovely – totally got the travel, one time where I didn’t cringe at someone saying they respected what I do for a living, and wanted to do all she could to help. I sent her all my results and she did the referral as urgent last night. Huge sigh of relief to have that done. Will hopefully get an appointment in the next couple of days.

Phew – long and more than slightly dull post. Thank you to all of you reading this blog – in particular being able to update you on here. Apart from the cathartic effect of writing, which is incredibly helpful, it is great to be able to fill you in ‘en masse’ as I need dedicated times in every day where I don’t think about my cancer, where I focus on other things – this is really important to me – and knowing that you know what is going on from here is really helpful to that.

Off I go to try to pull out the last ‘performance’ I hadn’t expected to have to do – i.e. meet some people for work this morning since I am delayed. And no, not self piteous, this is one of the things that has held me together and will continue to do so…just thought I’d be leaving for the airport at 8.30am so no need to put the show on…Fuck it, its all good.