I am so very, very tired this evening. I have been held from a distance while I just cried and cried, while the lump of fear melted and thank you. I seem to need to do that every day, at least once a day – a release as my wonderful friend and homeopath told me…

So here I am – Sonia who has cancer. How very surreal – will I stop being just Sonia at any point, will I just become the cancer? I truly hope not – it took me a long time to become me and like me – and I really do like who I am today….

with a smile. Really feeling loved today by the most incredible people I have around me. Thank you all of you. Xxxxx

So let’s hold onto the sides. Went to the cancer hospital here, and cannot tell you how much better I felt speaking to the administrator there. She was can do, helpful, recommended an oncologist, I will see him on Saturday, I can get the tests done on Monday. Wrangling the fucking test results from my…

And I can’t sleep…which sucks. I am beyond scared at this point – I haven’t been able to eat, I feel weak and like I want to collapse in a heap. I really need to pull myself together. I know this level of fear – this is a new one of course in one sense…

Provisionally stage 3, the most common type, infiltrating ductal cancer – the one in the milk ducts. And the second lump is also cancerous, it’s spread to the lymph nodes so that is cancer on lymph node T5. Now I know why I was crying so much…can’t do much of it here in Amman. Thank…

Worked 15 hours today..still going sort of…loving every minute of it. Sometimes I do feel incredibly blessed – I have a lot of incredible things in my life and loving what I do is one of them. I’ve been unhappy lots of times due to internal politics and so on, but fundamentally I love what…

How (potential) cancer changes your life #2. I can’t wait to go to Amman – arguably one of the dullest places ever….I realised when I lived in Lebanon that I was burring out at the end after I arrived in Amman for a conference and started thinking how pleasant, quiet and relaxing it was…..as opposed…

Sadly, I can’t say that this waiting for cancer or not results is causing my mood swings…since I fluctuate pretty regularly in ‘normal’ times. But I am happy this evening – still have the knot of tension/anxiety – hey, I’m human – but also feeling lighter and smiling. Largely due to the two friends I have…

This post straight after the other one…I really will be writing a book. The last one ended up being about time…I don’t figure these out, but just write what comes out when I start writing. And feel so much better when I do. I know you, my friends, are reading these posts and it means…

In fact, slightly less than 4 days….my appointment on Tuesday was at 3pm and its 9.15am on Saturday now. Really. What is it with time warps in highly emotional situations? When you get really bad news, time stands still for those seconds: when you are doing something you love, it speeds past: when you are…

Which I think came across as a little martyr-like and self piteous in some parts. Fuck that. I did not cry in the shower. I am not ‘soldiering on’ – I am genuinely tough and resilient, I don’t need to pretend to be because I honestly am. I am capable of asking for what I…