Can you say things like that when you have cancer….survive, lost the will to live, I may die (my favourite when crossing the road stupidly)…? Well, I do….

Anyway – fuck – I am here now. What a hell of a week. One full week back home, post Jordan, post chemo worst side effects and into full on, did I mention FULL ON kids, horrible work shit and organising everything for our house move on 24th. Hence the one day Dublin trip to get the money from the Credit Union for the move. And I am off to Jordan for 3 weeks (well, Jordan then Beirut) on Monday so had to make sure everything is sorted as I won’t be here for the actual move. When we move, I WILL HAVE MY OWN ROOM – did I say that loudly enough??? I have been sharing with the kids for the last year – and while at the start it was great to ground us all, I may now throw myself out of the window – useless endeavour since we are in the basement…but you get the point. Like now – I crashed on the sofa last night at 8.30pm, went to bed, I actually slept (yippppeeeee!!!!) and was up at 6am, got us shortly after. That woke them up…who will be knackered all day now….

The point is though – its done!! I was truly dreading this past week – really anxious about how I would cope physically and just actually remember it all – would be tough without chemo. But I did :-). Not without a lot of moral support from you all – thank you. Seriously – writing on here, getting contacted by you on here or otherwise makes SUCH a huge difference – I cannot a lot of the time communicate separately – I am too emotional/exhausted. But when I write on here, you all respond and I don’t have to explain everything – its so brilliant, thank you again.

Had a truly horrible time at the Marsden yesterday – long story which I won’t go into in detail – but went in for what I thought was just a baseline ultrasound, i.e. no actual results or anything so hadn’t prepared myself for anything nor brought anyone. The woman then starts prepping me for if the tumours haven’t shrunk, then gives me confused messages as to whether they have or not, saying at least they haven’t got bigger and on and on. Then I tried to see a doc in the chemo unit about some side effects to get a prescription for things before I go and was basically ignored – waiting around an hour and then had to leave. After I had left messages for the breast cancer nurses twice over 2 days asking for them to set this up – and never received a reply. Totally lost it, wandering around SW London sobbing….not fun. I am private, thanks to IMC putting me on their insurance, and one of the main advantages is that I need them to be accommodating to my travel – like the need to see a doc yesterday as I leave on Monday. Thing about it is, that I was so vulnerable in there and disempowered, I couldn’t kick up a stink or else would have sobbed….I HATE western medicine for just that – the power dynamic is so fucked. I did after write a stinking mail to my doc, who apologised, said he would address it, and also said it was good news, BOTH tumours have shrunk. Phew.

That whole thing, the whole system actually, is designed to put you in victim mode – passive recipient of the ‘experts’. How utterly warped is that? Ultimately, with cancer or with any illness, your healing depends on you and only you – and that can only happen if you are truly empowered. The docs (of any sort, western or holistic) are there to help you, but nobody can do it for you. Yes, I know I am sounding like one of those trite self help books, but I do genuinely believe it. My healing, whatever way that will pan out, is up to me. And I cannot do it alone – so part of it being up to me is then reaching out for help to those I love and trust (to spell it out, yes, all of you :-)) and carefully choosing the right medical practitioners and/or anyone else who is part of my healing. So, we can safely count out the stupid cow radiologist ;-). Right – kids up – off I go!