Outside and inside right now. Slow decline over the day and full on in the last hour or so. Shut The Man out due to what was probably a silly misunderstanding. The fact is that I shouldn’t be alone now, but I am – reality sucks at times – and I am in full on dark mode.

I haven’t really had time until now to process what the radiologist was saying – and whether she was a stupid cow or not, she wouldn’t be making things up. And she was less than impressed with my progress, that was evident. Yes, I know the Prof said both tumours have shrunk and of course that has bearing, but she also seemed to think one had shrunk minimally (didn’t comment on the second one at all), said things like ‘a long way to go’ and ‘well, at least they haven’t grown’. Point being that since leaving the Prof’s office last week, despite all the side effects etc, I have been super positive and I suppose going along thinking I am close to the all clear, subconsciously. And Friday knocked me flying – back into the unpredictability of cancer, the fear of death, the fact I could have a very, very long road ahead and that the fact is I have absolutely no idea of the outcome . And I’m shit scared. And its so very fucking dark in this place.

My heart is breaking over my kids. Yannis has now a few times put on music that we would normally always dance to – but has done it at times when I have been exhausted on the sofa. I haven’t danced. I can barely type I am crying so much – just seeing his face, wanting it all to be OK again, wanting it to be ‘normal’, disappointed I have not danced but hiding it. Fuck its not fair on him, on them. Or me. His face sums it all up – the hope, the fear, the disappointment, the being brave. Then trying again some days later. What happens to my children if I don’t make it – its quite literally an unbearable thought – yet I cannot get it out of my head or my heart which physically feels like its breaking right now.

Is this the darkness of cancer I have always talked about? I am not sure. I have known plenty of darkness, perhaps this is just the ‘old’ one, or one of them, or perhaps its linked to the cancer. Cancer eats away at you, doesn’t it, slowly destroys you – insidious, often undetected until its too late, going around your body killing you but all too often hidden. Thats a pretty dark force. I am not sure if that is what I am feeling now – its very, very dark around me – I can’t see out from the walls of darkness all around, there is a weird sense of it being my fault – not the cancer, but me hurting people – I can’t quite put my finger on it. I am sobbing and in pain, but there is an edge – a nasty edge where I could easily flip into very cold and hard – it hasn’t come out at all, but I can feel it there. I think that the hospital experience set me up in victim mode – one I have plenty of past experience with – and this is the flip side of that. Or its the cancer darkness, I really don’t know.

It does make it clearer as to why I have from the start felt so strongly that love is the way forward in this journey, its not a battle, its a melting, a healing. Haven’t managed that very well this evening – but the message is at least clear. The only thing that defeats that sort of darkness, cancer or otherwise, is love. Painful as it is at times, being open to being loved and to loving. Fuck, it hurts like hell tonight. But I’ve stopped crying now – writing this helps so much – and I think I may even be able to sleep.