Dare I say it, but I seem to be, slowly, recovering from the insomnia…Using a meditation and sleep app. Oh – and completely changing my life.

I have managed to get around 6 hours each night – still not enough of course, but significantly more than before and its improving. I always get to sleep fine, then wake around 1 or 2am, awake for an hour or so doing the above (the apps, not completely changing my life every night. That would be extreme, even for me) and actually fall back to sleep and stay asleep mostly. I have given in and often get need to get some sleep in the day time as well.

Apart from last night. The 1.30am wake up was with a sudden UTI. FFS. Almost exactly the same time post chemo last round this happened, although it was a lot worse last time. I won’t lie, its exhausting. The never ending daily side effects along with things like this are ridiculous in their intensity. Like really.

It is really difficult to not become even more of an unstable emotional lunatic than I already am – actually, let me re-phrase – its really difficult to not display my instability all the time. To everyone. Including the bus driver, the postman, the person walking past me in the street, the dog of the person walking past me in the street. Someone tells me they have the flu – and I swear I am not exaggerating – I am SO FUCKING JEALOUS. I would love to just have the flu – one illness (I now refer the comparison to chemo side effects, not cancer) that you know will go away in a matter of days, week at the most. Amazing. Mine may go around end of March. To be replaced with ones from surgery and radiation.

This is all written with some humour, self deprecating and genuinely seeing the funny side of a lot of it. It is so incredibly intense it becomes stupid and thank fuck my sense of humour is dark because its a saving grace :-).