Feel like I should be – New Year’s Eve and all that. Come up with something meaningful, perhaps even vaguely poignant or at the very least funny. 

Or else I’ll just waffle a little. I’ve struggled quite a lot when I have seen pictures or remembered how happy I was in the months before I found out I had cancer. I’ve written about it on here before: I was 17 years old again, but this time not fucked up and having a lot of the fun I missed out on first time round. Hayley and I laughed almost constantly, the little kids were so happy with life in London, I had work I was loving and was relatively secure. I was building up my professional life after the knock back of the previous year and lots of irons were in the fire. Then wham – cancer. 

I’d be lying if I said that still didn’t make me sad – to have been having so much fun, after such a tough previous couple of years, and then have it taken away again. But it did land with me the other day – there could not be a better way to get a cancer diagnosis than when you are loving life. To go into healing from a place where life is so very good is perfect. As perfect as finding out you have cancer can ever be. 

And of course I have had amazing times since. No, not the same, but amazing nonetheless. I’ve had the last couple of weeks with The Man – in fact, we’ve been together since 27th November – but on sort of holidays since just before Christmas. I say sort of as work crashed in where it shouldn’t have – as per my last post. That aside, it’s the first time we’ve actually spent together on leave and it’s been brilliant. He leaves for Amman tomorrow and I’m gutted – ridiculously so. I feel so incredibly safe when I am with him: it’s all OK. And given what I am going through, that is priceless. I am genuinely heartbroken he is leaving, that our holiday at home is ending. Ridiculous in so many ways, but real nonetheless.