Today. Or perhaps it’s cumulative. Whatever it is, I am just absolutely exhausted – that horrible core level tired on every level.
Awful as it may sound, being with the kids is completely draining. Just spent 2 days with them and The Man – a first – in his place. We’ve been trying to do this for months and months, but it could never happen due to travel schedules – for us and the kids. So grabbed the opportunity now as they really did need to spend some time with him given what a big part of my life he is, which they know, and how little they have actually seen him. It was fine, but Yani of course challenging everything, and just generally full on. 

I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the full on demands of both of them. Is that awful to say? Possibly. But it’s true. I was away so long that they need grounding with and from me – totally get that. And I have been doing it – but today it’s just caught up with me. My high maintenance son is….high maintenance..my youngest daughter has uncharacteristically been spinning out as well. She is getting more grounded but he of course is pushing the boundaries all the time. 

And I just want and need input right now – emotional input. I’m struggling. It will all be fine, more than fine, but a lot ahead of me re my treatment etc. Ultrasound next week, surgeon appointment a few days later, radiologist a few days after that. Lots of decisions to be made, lots of finding out how I have actually, finally, responded to chemo. 

Part of it today could be a reaction to the meds – apparently it can can get worse for a few days before they get better. Hopefully it is that.