In terms of treatment – here is where I am at:

• 4 x 3 weekly EC chemo’s – tick
• 9 x weekly Taxol chemo’s – tick
• 5 days of anxiety meds – tick
• Appointments to see surgeon, radiologist and Prof not so aloof over next 2 weeks – tick
• Researching different types of surgery from lumpectomy to double mastectomy in order to be able to have an informed discussion with surgeon – tick
• Making post cancer life plans – tick

Feels like a time of enormous change – but welcome change, not scary now. I am utterly and completely exhausted – but actually think it’s a good thing. The Man is shattered after the last 6 months of madness in Amman and that is a good benchmark for me – it had been totally draining for someone not going through cancer/chemo. So, I have that, plus the anti anxiety meds are starting to work – therefore reduced anxiety and adrenalin so I am super sleepy all the time – catch up. And the cumulative effect of Taxol – fatigue being one of the most common side effects. It’s all good. I feel like my mind and my body are completely slowing down and its long overdue. 

It’s also creating some space for me to think about the things I need to – as per the above, like my surgery and rest of treatment. As well as life after. I want to celebrate coming through this – a huge component that has been missing in my life is fun – for years I mean – fun for the sake of fun. I am so fucking responsible it’s ridiculous – constantly weighed down by responsibility to the extreme. 

So I am opening doors to changing that  – putting out ideas to the universe and seeing what happens. Letting myself accept help – a huge deal for me – but for once I am going with it. Current plans involve me letting go of my (insanely expensive) rented house in June or July, putting my stuff in storage, sending the kids to their dad for the 6 weeks summer holidays and going to Colombia for that time. The latter being a long term dream of mine – go there and dance :). 

And then looking at boarding school for the kids from September – it was something I had been thinking about for the following year, but have brought it forwards. There is an amazing democratic school called Summerhill in Suffolk and we are visiting it in early March. It’s tough even writing about this – feeling as if I am a bad parent for considering sending them ‘away’. But the reality is I cannot do it all any longer – Hayley has stepped in massively for the past 2 years, through the shit in Lebanon to now with my cancer. And she needs to go back to being free as soon as possible – by September at the latest which is when she will finish her Masters. 

And I simply cannot anymore provide the every day needs for the children as well as do the work I do. I have been doing that for the past 7 years and my whole life has been work and children – quite literally to the exclusion of anything for me. Anytime I have had a break from the kids, I have either got sick or collapsed, I moved straight from 3 years on Somalia to Lebanon to the UK, all high pressure jobs, without a break between any of them. I’m not blaming myself, but honestly it’s no surprise I have cancer – something had to give. 

Is it wrong to say I want to be free? Right or wrong, it’s true. I do not mean free from my children, the opposite in fact, free from the struggle is what I mean. If I can find a place like (hopefully) Summerhill where they are held, cared for, nurtured then I can travel, work, and have my time with them free of the stress and struggle. I will be fulfilled and therefore be a better parent than one who is constancy self sacrificing, exhausted and drained. It all makes sense, I know it is right, but tough emotionally as it goes against the ‘norm’. Not something I’ve ever really been good at anyway… But the idea of having time for me, freedom to work and travel, less of the day to day stress and worry makes my heart sing. Even if it triggers the guilt at the same time.