Until my last chemo!

And I have managed to survive today without proposing to anyone – not bad, given my February history over the years…

Life is still very surreal – the sense of disconnectedness is pretty strong most of the time – wandering around feeling slightly bewildered and very spacy. Yeah, yeah – I hear you, nothing new – sod off ;).

I can feel the SSRI’s starting to work – not fully there yet, but they are definitely kicking in as I get periods of feeling emotionally solid which, tragically, are so very noticeable due to how absent they have been for a long time. It feels incredibly good even to get flashes back of feeling like the non cancer/chemo me which are not adrenalin fuelled.

The flipside is that I am pretty flat a lot of the time now as well, part of it being the surreal stuff, part of it plain emotional and physical exhaustion, I think. But its quite weird – I can feel a lot of relief from my wonderful results last Friday, but I’m not as thrilled or excited as I would normally be with something as major as this. A strange place to be.

And work…my (now clearly) ex friend and boss told me he had resigned 2 weeks ago and finished, and good luck – end of message…after I contacted him. And removed me from FB. So, pretty clear that the HR call, which I have requested to happen on Wednesday and not today, will be the axe. Utterly insane. Really – on all levels. One of you used the word ‘abusive’ re my last couple of jobs and it is scarily accurate.

I have also realised that I actually cannot work right now. I quite literally can’t – apart from the practicalities of surgery, daily radiation for 3 or more weeks and so forth, I am so incredibly physically weak and mentally slow that its just not possible. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do, but in a bizarre way realising that is a relief – its not a choice, its the reality of where I am at now. How I will pay rent and all else is beyond me right now, but one step at a time.

Even if I can’t seem to do jumping up and down emotion – I am deeply, deeply happy that my whole outlook on the short/medium/longer term future has shifted completely to a positive one since Friday. I can honestly say that up until then I did not believe I would be OK – not necessarily that I was going to die soon, but that I would be dealing with cancer and its treatment for a long time to come.