Full on chemo haze and hangover from yesterday’s chemo – but otherwise all fine. If that makes any sense. Or in fact if I make any sense. Ever. I honestly cannot remember what I was like pre chemo – how nuts is that?!?!

So this week I have seen Fiona, the lovely surgeon, Amanda, the wonderful shrink (we really, really like her), Gillian, the barking radiologist and Prof not so very aloof, who in a very weird way,  completely gets me. The latter two I saw yesterday. Gillian was wearing skin tight what looked like spandex running leggings, glittery jumper, lots of jewelry and knee high boots. All sort of black. She’s roughly 65 years old. Utterly barking – slightly bemused as to why I was there, the feeling was mutual, but I liked her for her madness. And heard all about her forthcoming big birthday trip to South America….jealously! All of the above are a team – in fact, all bar Amanda were heading out to dinner last night – apparently a common occurrence. And I feel super safe with this very idiosyncratic team of people. Amazing. 

Both Prof not so aloof anymore and Spandex Gillian reinforced the great results I have from chemo. Bloody good to hear – in fact, something I will never tire of hearing ;). Prof said he was optimistic that I could  get a complete clear pathological result as well – I.e. no cancer cells found during surgery. Let’s see. Surgery booked for 4th April. Radiation apparently 4-6 weeks after that, depending on how the healing goes. 

The really good bit is that this reassures me hugely about the likelihood of systemic recurrence – I.e the cancer coming back metastasized to lungs, bones etc. If I have responded this well to chemo, then it is highly probable that it has destroyed any ‘roaming’ cancer cells that may have been floating around my body. I cannot express what an enormous relief this is – it has been my greatest fear. I pretty much always believed I could get through this cancer, but not fully – I.e. only partial remission. That has completely shifted now – yes, there is always a risk, but far less than I had dared to hope for.

And – the SSRI’s are working. I have bloated out like a lunatic and put on what feels like a huge amount of water weight – but a small price to pay for the darkness finally receding. I am no longer on the edge or fully immersed in that dark, heavy place. Fucking hell what a relief. It was a long haul…even when I got the good news from the scan and the surgeon i couldn’t fully absorb it as the heaviness was still around. But now I truly can feel the positivity and it’s bloody great!! Not least I’ve just spent the last 5 days with The Man and not tipped into psycho mode once – the first time in a very long time!!