So, as one does, I decided we would all go and visit a boarding school in Suffolk yesterday…and hire a car, taking into account I haven’t driven for the almost 18 months since I moved to London. At the tail end of 6 months of chemo. Made perfect sense to me at the time. Actually, it did work out – great to be driving again, we left on Sunday and stayed in an absolutely stunning place and spent half a day at the school yesterday. I am pretty flattened now, but fuck it, I probably would be anyway.

The school is a democratic school, Summerhill, one of the original ones globally. And the whole principle is wonderful, lots and lots of pluses…but there was something off. Hayley picked up on it stronger than I did, but its there – a dark side for lack of a better term. So lets see – its the start of the process of change and as always, I have no idea where it will actually lead to but the important part is the intention is out there.

And I wrote to Yannis’ current teacher, who has completely refused to engage with the fact I have had cancer, as she had requested a meeting with Hayley and I. I explained the last 6 months, talked about Yannis acting out, potential need for change, challenges etc etc. She replied, completely again not even referring to the cancer, dramatically about how he doesn’t act out at school and if there is any hope of influencing me she would like to meet. Oh fuck off. Really. Ignorance and drama – just what I am missing in my life. Hayley reckoned she wants to ‘save’ Yannis…from me presumably…. I saw her at the school last week and as she walked passed me she said over her shoulder, ‘Oh, YOU’RE here to collect Yannis today’. Oh fuck off was the response I wanted to give then as well – note the pattern?

And…I seem to be on a bit of a rant – isn’t that so much better than apathetic darkness??!!  IMC. I received the terms for the ‘consultancy’ they have talked about. I got them yesterday, but due to start from 1st March – ending 15th April. (Original contract I asked to be honoured was until end of May). 3 bosses, all of who are dicks, an hourly rate, (wtf??????) and work basically that I was doing under my previous role. Which is the interesting part since I have been let go due to that role no longer existing according to them. I am due to talk to HR this evening, and…guess what the response will be….oh fuck off. Should be the title of this post really. I would make marginally more than my two week notice pay, and the whole proposal is humiliating – they could have easily kept me on contract, even offered until the end of April, to do that work. Not some fucking stupid hourly rate that doesn’t make sense at all with the type of work they want me to do- I started as a consultant with them so they are aware of my rates which they honoured before.

So – interesting times ahead. I genuinely have no idea how the fuck anything will pan out – but for the first time in my life I quite literally have no choice but to trust. I cannot work – I’m at the point where I am in bed 12 hours a day/night, the exhaustion is extreme, with surgery, radiation etc etc coming up. I would have somehow made it work with IMC had they kept me on contract, but that has gone and here I am. But – did I mention that its highly likely I am cancer free, and if not, damn bloody close?!?! 🙂