Bloody hell its whacked me this time. Spent as much as I could of the last 48 hours in bed, completely flattened. I have no idea why not, but I didn’t expect this level of this debilitation.

I can see all the logic – I’ve kept going the last 6 months and now I can collapse, cumulative chemo side effects common to Taxol, not having fully recovered from the whole Jordan burn out etc. But still….

I am also pissed off with it all. For the first time I actually can be fed up with the relentless side effects.  And I have had moments of actual anger about the whole fucked up work situation, Yannis’ insane teacher and so on. Which I take as a good sign since there is a least some mental space to get appropriately pissed off. Before I get too exhausted and head back to bed…

What is so frustrating is that the exhaustion just clouds everything – the haze is extreme since the last chemo, apart from one day where the steroids take effect – and the expression ‘wet blanket’ is very apt in all senses. I can’t connect with the fact this was my last chemo, the positivity of it all: I can’t engage in the world around me because the haze is so thick.

Yes, it will pass, even though right now I cannot feel that, ‘normally’ by Thursday on regular chemo weeks it starts lifting, I am pissed off with all the side effects from the non stop blood in my nose to the constant runs and I am literally craving some extended days of relative normalcy. Note the use of the word relative. But I really just want to be able to participate in my life again, almost desperately so.