Or perhaps its there all the time…but I could swear I’ve had some (relatively speaking) lucid times over the past days. Although I do keep getting reminders that I am perhaps not as present as I think I am.

2 nights ago, Hayley comes into my room saying ‘we must book the kids hair…’ then stops mid sentence. I had been struggling for the past 3 or 4 minutes to get my nightdress on and at the point she walked in I had both my head and my arm in the arm hole and was losing the battle. She left saying, ‘never mind, we’ll discuss it tomorrow’.

On the flip side, on Wednesday I managed to get Yannis to Victoria station for his bloody school trip by 8am – I was so impressed with myself. As I was marching him from the bus to the tube, he commented on the speed and determination with which I was getting us there – I said it was me in full on London mode. He smiled and looked up at me saying: ‘I’ve never seen you like this before’. I replied saying no, he really had just seen me in bed most of the last 6 or so months, however, that wasn’t the way things would stay. I nearly burst into tears – very cute but also gutting that he couldn’t remember me in kick ass anymore… But, that day I also managed loads more which was bloody great.

Yesterday I went to bed at 1pm and am still there. Its up and down. But also amazing that I can get this amount of rest – I know it is healing and making up for the past however long where I couldn’t sleep and was so stressed. So I have no problem going with it. Well, OK, not so much of a problem…I do get impatient, but when the fatigue kicks in I don’t have the energy for impatience so thats a plus 🙂

10 days until my surgery. Its funny, because it feels like the cancer is over. I think that is one of the things with cancer – I felt like I had it because of the chemo, whereas in fact it was the chemo effects I was feeling. But I didn’t feel like I had it before nor now, despite the remaining numerous side effects I have. I’d like to think its because I am tuned into myself and there is no cancer anymore…however, before I was diagnosed I felt the same way…

And finally – I am swelling. A lot. Very weird side effect I haven’t had before – but pretty bloody extreme water retention. I do laugh at myself – its been going on for over a week and seems to be getting worse – so I checked some of the cancer sites and saw people talking about what their docs had said etc. It hadn’t dawned on me to talk to a doc about it….despite cancer, chemo etc etc, it remains that my last port of call when something is wrong is a doctor. However, I had better check it out after Easter as its got to the point where even my wrists are swollen…