I’ll be in The Marsden, likely having had my lymph node radiated, excessively grumpy due to no caffeine since 6am and begging for a general anaesthetic. I’ve been waiting for the latter for 6 bloody months…missed out on it when I got my port fitted as they did it by local in Jordan…on my list of ‘never agains’. 

I feel as if I should be a lot more nervous – in general actually – but at this moment regarding surgery specifically. To be more precise, about waking up from surgery and finding out whether there were cancer cells in my lymph node biopsy and/or margins around where the tumour was in my breast. Both being clear would be wonderful – meaning a full and complete pathological response to the chemo with the best long term prognosis and no further surgery. Worst case is cancer cells in both requiring further surgery, potential clearance of all my lymph nodes, partial or full mastectomy. And then at least 3 or 4 variables in between those two. 

However, I am remarkably calm. Perhaps catatonic would be a better description as I am bloody exhausted. With The Man and kids this Easter weekend and out (despite fairly crappy weather) at great kiddy events the last two days. I quite literally haven’t done this with the kids since before my diagnosis. In fact, I wrote recently about the photo of us at Pride last year that I have on my phone and how sad that made me sometimes as it was the last really happy time before my diagnosis. It was also the last day/weekend out we had where I could actually participate. 

So – new memories beginning now – that is pretty cool! I managed a full Easter weekend, this time with The Man and the kids – the start of ‘post cancer’ life. I may be utterly collapsed now, but I am extremely happy I managed it :).