That is the technical term – I am now officially in remission. (Western) medicine is very much designed for the medics and not the patient – in this case, I personally find the terminology quite negative. You are not ‘cured’ of cancer until 5 years have passed, progression is measured in 5 & 10 year survival rates, percentages are bandied around as generalizations. Seemingly I am meant to be content with a vague, general statement that I, (along with pretty much all people who have had breast cancer irrespective of the details) have an 80% chance of being alive in 10 years. Which also equates to a 1 in 5 chance of being dead in 10 years from cancer. Honestly, fuck that. 

Oh, and my eyebrows have pretty much all fallen out. Last night. Following hours in a beauty place getting daily false eyelashes, eyebrow make up etc etc sorted out. Perfect timing :).

Thank you all for your lovely messages on here and elsewhere – you really are my avid supporters and it’s bloody great. I haven’t responded much as I am slowly landing it all – as my wonderful shrink said, right now for me it’s less of a celebration and more a relief that a major part of my life that should never have happened is over. (Not entirely sure how I switched that to italics but kind of adds dramatic effect so I’ll leave it.) And relief is probably the best description right now – I pretty much collapsed after I got the news. Plus, it’s not over for me yet – I have radiation which while of course is not as bad as chemo, is still no joke. 3-4 weeks of every weekday, minimum 4 hours a day, with is own set of side effects. Of course including fatigue. I of course feel positive overall, but I want to feel like me and finish treatment totally. 

I have since Monday night been shrunk (by the shrink), toes and fingers painted (by the almost robot like nail bar person), face painted (by the super efficient and ambitious Benefits make up person) and pin cushioned (by the amazing acupicturist). Oh, and said goodbye to the kids until Saturday who have gone to see their dad and are today and tonight doing a ‘taster’ at a boarding school near him. And the rest of the time been in bed. Funny though, as I am writing this I can see that perhaps I am more active than I give myself credit for…

Back to the survival rates thing. Wonderful shrink said that Prof Not so Aloof anymore is the person to give me accurate details that pertain to me and not thousands of people in general. It is of course all probabilities, but for me to take the next steps in my life I need clear, researched based facts on where I am at today and where they expect me to be in 5 and 10 years time. Facts stemming from my specific details – there are apparently even algorithms that have been designed for this. I am seeing the Prof next week so perfect timing – I will insist on this information as apparently they are not very keen to give it. And again, fuck that. 

I always knew that this phase would be the aggressive, almost fucking kill or cure  approach. What I needed to be cancer free (sod remission). But it is phase 1, which I also always knew. The next phase is about finding me in all senses post cancer – physically and emotionally. And then choosing the lifestyle I will live to do all I can, without extremes and living in fear, to stay cancer free. Hence the needing to know my current and future baselines be prognosis to inform those decisions. The reality is that I need to be more cautious in some ways – about where I live for example. In Jordan, there was all this talk about the bottled water supply being irradiated. I can’t afford to live places like that anymore, not that I was planning to live in Jordan, but you get the point.

Anyway – have bored myself now so off I go. Am sitting in the sun in a park, finished an ice cream and about to walk home. Life is good. Take any meaning from that you like 🙂