It came to me last night – how to describe (for myself) where I am at right now. It is like I was in my home, which is also where my work was based, when it went up in flames. After the firemen struggled to get me out and all of us suffering from smoke inhalation, the house and all its contents were completely destroyed.

I am sitting on the side of the road, relieved to be alive, but also feeling despair at the wreckage. I realise that it can all be sorted out, I have house insurance, but it will take a huge amount of time and effort and will never be the same as it was. The idea of starting over is exhausting, not least that I still can’t breathe clearly due to the smoke inhalation damage to my lungs, which will take some months to fully clear. I won’t be able to work during this time as I will need all my effort to go into rebuilding my home and life that was centred around it.

That is exactly where I am at right now. Nothing in my life is the same as it was this time last year – quite literally nothing. Not necessarily  bad, its not about bad or good, but rather completely different and new. I am in a relationship with all that brings with it, I do not recognise myself physically anymore – from my no eyebrows/lashes to my body, I cannot work, my children will be moving to Northern Ireland to live with their dad in August/September, I am trying to claim benefits which I loathe, my perspective on many things has changed yet I am not sure who I actually am, I am cancer free (sod remission) yet still have more treatment to go through, I am so very, very tired a lot of the time. The coming months are all about uncertainty and change and it can get very daunting sometimes.

However, I am looking into Burlesque lessons. Therein lies the complete contradiction of my life ;-). Cancer, and breast cancer I feel more so, robs you of your femininity and confidence: well, it robbed me of them at least. And pre cancer I was hardly a sexual siren, albeit this time last year I was in full on slapper mode and loving it. But the idea of putting myself ‘out there’ in something like Burlesque is just so very appealing, in the main because it is so not anything I ever would have considered before. It makes me smile. And terrified. And excited. The opposite of all the above, so it has to be good. And fuck it, since I have managed to save both my breasts, I may as well put tassels on them to celebrate :-).