I just wrote an update to the bunch of parents at the kids school who have helped out so much the last two terms with after school care, lunches etc etc – they really have been amazing! And realised how very much has gone on over the last 2 months since my last update to them….in short:

• I finished chemo
• Got fired
• Had surgery and results
• Organised the children to go and live with their dad and attend a great school there from September. So much to say around this…another time…
• Slept. And then slept some more. Oh, and just a little more after that
• Got started on sorting out my tax (or lack thereof) situation. Started being the operative word
• Applied, painfully, for benefits. Apparently I may hear a decision this Friday. Or be asked via 6 letters in 10 days for some more information that is impossible to provide – such as stamps in my passport showing when I returned to the UK. They haven’t stamped passports for about 10 years here….
• Grew the hair on my head and lost the hair on my eyebrows. OK – I had little effort in either of those…they just happened

It really is quite incredible. For those of you that are the parents I mention above, you get double thank you’s as I am again thanking all of you here for your wonderful, wonderful support. I wrote in that mail that this has been without doubt one of the toughest journeys I have gone through, which says a lot given my life. But it has also been one of the most magical because of the incredible love and support I have received. Feels bizarre to say that – but it is actually true. Either that or the chemo has fucked my brain forever.

And back to why I actually started this post – I saw Dr Not So Aloof (or as The Man calls him, Dr Disconnected) today and it was great. He was rather shocked and very disapproving when I said I would rather die than take Tamoxifen….don’t understand why. Hayley and I have a deal that I am not allowed to say I’d rather die in any context anymore, but I can replace it with ‘I would rather self harm’. However, I did refrain from correcting myself with Prof Aloof – albeit I would have loved to have seen his face if I did pipe up with, ‘Sorry, I meant I would rather self harm than take Tamoxifen’. To the point…3rd time lucky… he told me that: my long term prognosis was excellent; 90% chance or even higher of survival over 10 years. That I had pretty close to the best result possible from chemo and that this was extremely relevant to my type of cancer’s (triple negative) long term prognosis. There was a tiny bit of cancer in the one lymph node and the other tiny bit found in the breast was actually like a precursor to cancer, DCIS, and not the invasive type that they worry about. He will ask the pathology lab to test the bit they found in my lymph node for oestrogen as a tiny bit had shown up in the original tumour – thats where the Tamoxifen conversation came in – in case I am oestrogen responsive, but it is unlikely.

This now feels right. Bizarrely, since the lovely surgeon is just that, and Prof Aloof is just how he is, I feel far better after seeing him than her. Her telling me a week ago that she ‘accidentally’ removed 15 lymph nodes instead of the 3 or 4 I had understood would be removed threw me. Combined with the general 80% survival rate statistic I was actually, looking back, pretty pissed off. We had discussed surgery before and agreed that I did not want the option of them checking lymph nodes when I was under anaesthetic and removing more if necessary, but rather taking as few as possible with the possibility of further surgery if needed. Having 15 lymph nodes removed is pretty major – and I am currently dealing with the possibility of lymphodema which is not fun and nor was I prepared for. The swelling of my arm and left breast is quite intense currently.

Anyway – mini rant over, for now. The point is that today a major piece has fallen into place for me. 90% or above survival rate feels right and completely acceptable. I have been through hell and back, I have changed everything in my life on every single level to give all I could to recover from this cancer. And to be told after that, with good results, that I have a 20% chance of being dead in 10 years anyway just felt, and turns out subsequently that is was, complete bollocks. Oops – did I say rant over? I feel empowered today by this information, it sits right, I have all the way been prepared for all sorts of news, good and bad, once it feels accurate and specific to me. And that applies to this good news – I’m done now, I get it, I feel like I can actually start to celebrate the end of my cancer.

Seeing the radiotherapist on Thursday and I will hopefully get my schedule then from him – the last piece. I really do want to know this now – how many weeks, when it will start etc – its a large chunk of time I will have to commit which of course is fine, but would like to be able to plan around it. And then I am done. Fuck – I can for the first time feel like I am on the home stretch….I may even have a nap to celebrate ;-).