Is the current theme. Along with slow the fuck down. 

There has been an incredible synchronicity since my diagnosis and treatment. Without wishing to sound like some fake spiritual guru, there really have been so many times where things have just slotted into place exactly as they should. 

Cancer ‘made’ me surrender – well, cancer and the harsh treatments did. And in that I realised repeatedly how much the universe just kicked in and I was taken care of. Since  feeling stronger, I have been unconsciously taking back the control – and related stress and anxiety. There is a difference between feeling in control of my life and taking control by expecting things to be done/to happen my way and in my timeframe. 

I am exhausted and anxious again.  Over doing it, forgetting in many ways that I am still undergoing cancer treatment. I do a ton one day, then completely collapse the next. Yesterday was not fun – I really did collapse and felt awful. 

A part of me I know just wants to move completely away from the cancer, act as if it has never happened. I can see by the way I am acting – subtle, but there. I am someone who is coming through cancer, who is far from 100% yet, who still has treatment to go. Yet I want to have full energy, lose weight, sort 100 things out and literally act as if cancer was a minor blip that is now over – neither are true. 

It’s a balance – of course I want and need to get back to a normal, well my version of normal, life. But taking with me all I have learned, the massive physical and emotional changes cancer has made, and integrate those into the ‘new’ me. Not rush ahead acting as if it never happened – because that will catch up with me at some point and land like a ton of bricks. 

So, back to trusting and letting go. Along with slowing down.