I am thrilled I don’t have cancer anymore. Just to get that out there, for me.

I will be even more thrilled when I don’t have cancer treatments anymore and when I have finally managed to pick up all the pieces of my shattered life. I use the word shattered literally as opposed to any particular negative connotation.

Since I got the ‘remission’ news, I have been dealing with:

• The post op infection – knocked me flying physically and mentally
• Trying to sort out benefits – literally was a daily thing of call, paperwork for about a month and 6 weeks until I actually got a result. 
• An appeal for my housing benefit. Don’t ask
• Preparation for radiotherapy and now at the start of radiotherapy.
• This will at the end have involved pretty much daily trips to the Marsden for 5 weeks straight, excluding some weekends. 1.5 hours each way, my two radio’s so far have run an hour late meaning 2 hours in the hospital as opposed to the promised 20 mins
• Financial insecurity. Daily.juggling like mad. 
• My son’s awful, awful skin rash for the past 4 weeks. It’s incredibly intense and very obviously an emotional clearing for him – rough as hell. 
• All 3 of my children needing me intensely. Did I say intensely? 
• Only 2 days break in the last 5 weeks with another 2 days hopefully over the bank holiday weekend. It’s not enough
• My own emotional roller coaster with the radio and all else
• Trying to get fit as I am sick of being fat and flabby
• Dealing with all the physical crap from chemo and surgery. Buying the rights bras, those bras rubbing against the port incision, that getting inflamed. Last night putting aloe Vera gel on my boob and chest where the radio goes, healing cream on the scars from surgery and the port, arnica on my super painful knee joint, exercises for the cording in my arm that had happened post surgery, homeopathic remedy for radio, antibiotic for last of infection (I hope). That’s just so I can go to sleep. 
• Running around London trying to make sure I get the treatments I need – acupuncture then other free treatments as I can’t afford to pay for them like Physio or massage for my knee/joints, osteopathy etc. Great to be able to get some free, when I eventually do, but a lot of hoops first. 
• Barely seeing The Man
• Chasing my former employer to at the very least get the money they owe me…plus some more if possible since they double shafted me.
• Having one up day when I am great followed by an intense down day, like today, completely exhausted to the point of tears non stop. 

No, I don’t have cancer, thank fuck. But I am far, far from rcovered. It’s funny, it feels a little like after a death – this huge input to the funeral and then after sitting at home, alone,  looking around at all the pieces that are there wondering what the fuck next.