I still seem to be battling on all fronts as well as swinging between intensely vulnerable to…actually, I’m not sure to what. I have bursts of energy, gratitude, happiness, freedom and excitement (not all simultaneously – that would make me Miss World on acid) which break through regular the current norm for me at present. Which is a state of confusion, feeling like I am missing something major (cancer springs to mind since it is the only major thing that is no longer present….but that would be so fucking weird I can’t contemplate it), some bewilderment and lots of frustration.

Perhaps I need new goals. Goal one -recover from cancer – tick. Goal two – recover from cancer treatment – starting, but a long and ongoing process so a rolling tick. Do rolling ticks exist…? Goal three – get the kids sorted in a new school from September and living with their dad – tick, as in all is in place for that. All very major things – especially the first and the last.

So now – outstanding/uncertain/hanging things.

1.  What I want to do next in my life, my career….I set myself time off until September which is when the kids will go and my thinking was at that point to start getting back into work. However, I SO do not want to fall back into something again just because I know it/am good at it/need the money.
2. Have a period of time for me. Just me. Where the above may become clearer. And where I can just stop, have fun, celebrate and cry all at the same time! Oh, and dance. Realistically, that is not going to happen before September because my children, appropriately, need me. And because the struggle to finish treatment as well as continually figuring out how to actually keep the show on the road until then is all consuming.
3. My relationship with The Man. Obviously its been a rollercoaster for the 11 months we have been together, to put it mildly. We are transitioning now, as is everything in my life, and it’s not easy. When I met him, I was happily living a poly lifestyle, back dating and loving life. We became monogamous almost immediately – due to the intensity I suppose of what was happening for us both. And now, we are both back in the UK, he is not happy here, I cannot provide clear next steps for myself and….
4. Resolution with IMC. Yes, that is still ongoing. I have options from the ‘suck it up’ level to the ‘likely blow my career in the humanitarian world’ and all in between. Part of me wonders if I am leaning towards the latter as that will at least result in one decision almost made for me.

I think what is missing is a lack of intensity. I have said before that in many ways I am not surprised I got cancer – to be clear, not in any way blaming myself – but the intensity of my life over the past 7 or so years has been extreme, to put it mildly. And now the last year of dealing with cancer. And now dealing with the aftermath of cancer. The cycle needs to be broken, I need to break that cycle. Packing the kids off and then throwing myself back into work is the opposite of that – not least work that I really am not sure I want to do anymore, certainly not in the same capacity. I keep joking about wanting to be a beach bum for 3 months…but I think that may well be the answer. But I need to stop the cycle of dealing with intense situations, picking up the pieces, straight back into survival, an intense situation, picking up the pieces and so on.

Right now, I am using all I have in me to complete treatment (radiotherapy ongoing at present), make life on benefits, loans and a wing and a prayer work, parent my children who need me more than ever and that will continue until September. So, my goal has to shift. September will be the start of me time. Fuck knows how or where. But goal set…I say with not a little trepidation….