How should I be feeling today? Yes, no shoulds and all that…however, I still wonder how I should be feeling.

I know how I shouldn’t be feeling. Which is how I presently feel. Hurt, betrayed, raw and worst of all, like a fucking cliche. 

A year ago I was devastated, terrified and in self imposed isolation. Reading and re-reading the e-mail telling me about my confirmed cancer. Sobbing, bent double with fear and flickers of steely determination.

How fucking stupid do I feel, that one year later, having kicked the ass out of cancer in a way even I can feel proud about, I am in bits over a man? Who, despite all my logic, all the very valid and real reasons that exist to dump him and move on, I still love. Who has fucked me over, who I am waiting for to see can he live up to who he is for himself, never mind me. 

Immeasurably stupid is the answer. 

I was single for 7 years for good reason. While I know I can do single, and do it well, I don’t want to be single forever. 

Why can’t I just be light about this, see the ridiculous, emotionally understand that in light of all else, this comes pretty low on the scale of life threatening? I have answers to all these questions, but they are not working. 

I feel like a fucking idiot. I saw all the signs and couldn’t deal with them. I have spent the last 2 months waiting for when he was going to actually start a proper relationship with me, as opposed to his chosen carer role. We argued non stop. It’s been shit. He was feeling inadequate, pressured, had retreated, was not connecting…so figured that having intense online sexual relationships would make him feel better. Fuck it – I’ve said it now…so it was escapism, making him feel more masculine blah blah. And denying it to me repeatedly. Making me feel inadequate and insecure. Fan-fucking-tastic. 

And to repeat, I still love him. WTF?!?!

It’s not fun at the moment. I am monumentally exhausted, on every level, I have just under 2 months of emotional and physical upheaval left. All the time not knowing what will happen with me and him. 

I am doing all the right things – just had a massage, on my way to acupuncture, messaged my friend in Bangkok re Sept. I hate myself for the fact I am not super excited by my travels as I feel I should be. That I cannot right size what is going on. Just re-read that – hate is very strong. I really am struggling with not feeling like a complete fucking idiot. And knowing that is stupid as well.