Its still very up and down, but since yesterday afternoon until now I feel pretty good – as in, the gnawing hole in my gut is not screaming at me and while I am still very raw, I am brighter.

Sad to say, since it is such a cliche (I wonder if life post cancer is just a series of cliches…?) but my major underlying issue is a fear of abandonment – deep rooted, childhood driven and it has made an unwelcome long standing guest appearance since cancer.

That is what causes the hole in my gut, the fear, the desperation and the spinning. Having had The Man as my rock throughout the cancer journey quite literally from day one triggers that massively. Its all interwoven, overlapping….fucked up I think is the technical term

I am so incredibly lucky to have you all: to be cancer free: to have somehow had the presence of mind to have made the plans for the children: to now be able to count down in weeks when I will begin my time. Time for me. Only me. Alone time. No responsibilities. Did I mention it will be MY time? As in, no fucking commitments at all. I quite literally can’t remember when I have had that – in fact, I honestly don’t think I ever had.

People often talk about the hedonistic years, the period of time in uni, or travelling or bumming around when they were carefree, selfish and living life to the max. I have never had that time, that period in my life where there was nothing other than me to please and to focus on. Obviously, with an 8 and 9 year old, even not living with me for a while, I won’t have that completely. However, I will have more space and time to focus on only me than I have ever had before.

I may well have said it here before, but that was the one thing when I was sick that freaked me out. Bucket list stuff. When I was dealing with the fact I may die, I was figuring out regrets – what would I be thinking on my deathbed blah blah. Of course leaving my children behind was the biggest thing and there was nothing I could do about that; but the only regret that was in my power was that I had not had the time as I just described above. Literally nothing else – which is pretty amazing.

Back to the fucked up – my immediate thought was then, ‘shit, if I do that, does that mean I will then die?’. Gotta love my head. Not.

Messed up thinking aside, Thailand and South East Asia is exactly the right place for me to head to. I may even give Colombia a miss this time. The gentleness of that region (no, not Bangkok!) is what I need right now. Calm, Buddhist, not in your face, beauty – I need and crave all that. Lets see where that leads to. Right now, I am planning life on a beach. As in long term life. However, I am also so desperately craving rest and peace I perhaps may not be in the best place to make life decisions 🙂

And The Man. Still no word from him. We had arranged when I left last week I would be going to his this weekend – I am working on the basis that he is taking space to figure things out until then and will be in touch in the next day or two. I also, thanks to all of the support from you all, my homeopath, acupuncturist and the milkman, feel more empowered. I am choosing to wait, to cede my control and see what he can and can’t do. If he lets me go, then it is because as he said, he is not big enough and I move on and upwards. If he wants me, then I see what that means for him and for me. And I move on and upwards. However, if I don’t hear from him in the next day or two, the issues from the first part of this post will flare up big time…and who knows then. But right here and right now, I feel for the first time since I have known him (bearing in mind the interlinking with my cancer journey) that I could cope. Lets see.