But not backwards 🙂

Bloody hell, what a few days. From The Marsden, which went fine, but was weirdly upsetting being there, to every emotion under the sun overwhelming me re The Man and all that, to dealing with removal companies, children’s illnesses…

Prof Aloof was fine – but I wanted to punch him when he checked my breast and under my arm. Completely unreasonably. But enough already – I have had a year of people checking me for lumps, discussing how my cancer is or is not, prodding, dying my boob (the blue hasn’t gone, faded, but not gone), tanning it….invasive is an understatement. As I said before, I surrendered to this for all the obvious reasons. But again: enough. I may go back in to get the scar from my port sorted out – its keloid 😦 – the cancer op one is amazing, but this one is very visible and lumpy and sore. And no, it is not a badge of pride as someone bizarrely suggested to me once – its an ugly scar.

16 days until I leave this house for good. Until the kids and I head to Geneva on the first leg of our Kenyan holiday.

19 – 25 days until the movers come, pack up kids stuff and send it to Ireland, pack up Hayley’s stuff and send it to Bene’s house (with Hayley, but she can move herself), pack up my stuff and store some of it with them, some of it in Bene’s.

33 days until the kids go to Brian to live. Meeting him at Heathrow at 6am on 26th August, after our night flight back from Kenya, all having breakfast together then saying goodbye to the 3 of them as they fly to Belfast.

34 days until I am free to actually decide when I go to Thailand. Once I have picked myself up off the floor from sobbing.

Constant days of a weird limbo with The Man situation. Silence since I sent my reply. What a bizarre, damp squib way to end a one year relationship. A part of me still feels attached (than you wonderful shrink) – someone yesterday made the point that of course I do, he was such a major part of my cancer journey, which is not over until I leave for my travels.

And because it is just fucking odd. From constant daily contact, 10x a day, intensity – all for over a year – to nothing.

I was wondering why I am not sleeping. Although my fantastic homeopath did mention yesterday, when I told her I was seriously all over the place, that the last remedy had opened things up to let them out – like a wound. Which can then heal clean.

My son asked me why I pile up pillows along the side of my bed when I sleep – was it to stop the monsters under the bed from getting me. I love that he thinks I would do that.