Is so ingrained. This limbo with The Man, while knowing it is over at the very least for now, is so against everything I normally do. Just being with the feelings, letting each day happen….Albiet that I am in my head now single – he has clearly let me go – its not neat, quite the opposite.

When I left, I said I needed him to come after me. He hasn’t. 10 days later he reached out, with his letter which I do appreciate, but, as I have said on here before, it was about him and not definitive.

A part of me just wants to cut it, yet I know that is not the right thing to do for me. But I still feel hooked by him to a degree. Attached is actually the right word, joking aside. Not completely free. And that is tough – its a grey area which is my weak spot – I can always deal with knowing, black and white, but grey…not so much.

I think a part of me is in a sort of shock. As I said yesterday, from intensity to nothing. I have to keep remembering that this is actually my choice. I could have stepped through the doors he left open, I could contact him now, but that would mean disrespecting myself – settling for what I know is less than I need. Yes, I would have that immediate loneliness and pain lifted, but it would be short term because we would be back to rowing, discontent etc.

I just don’t get why I can’t get over it. Honestly. I have known for a while its not been good or right, worsening, the rational part of me knows so many of these things. He could fly, but chooses not to, he keeps his world a whole lot smaller than mine, he has behaved cowardly when we were together and since. I can’t quite get what the hook is, why I can’t release it and move on. I wish I could.

Perhaps it is the shock. I truly didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect when I left that Monday 3 weeks ago for that to be the last time. Which again, is a contradiction, because I was wondering the whole time would this be the last time. I suppose emotionally I wasn’t expecting it. There’s a weird part of me that is confused – why am I not with him, why are things not as they have always been, why am I not seeing him, talking to him etc. Its like a surreal world that I cannot make sense of. And I think has little to do with reality.

Like a bubble part of me that is still with him, that is still living (clearly imaginary) in a relationship with him – expecting the calls, the messages, to go and see him…not realising that it has all changed. He has gone. Why is that part still there – makes me want to cry as I am typing this – because that is it, I realise now – a part of me is in complete denial, still in a relationship with him, blanking all that has gone on, that is going on, and just expecting to carry on as we were. How fucking bizarre. And how the hell do I get rid of it????