And sitting in a cafe, next to this bizarre thing, sobbing:

No shortage of surreal in my my life still.
Fuck, that was hard. I have no idea when I’ll see them again – they will start in a new school, set up a life all without me. 

This is something that will shape them for the rest of their lives, a major life event they will always remember. No pressure then. 

I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t wonder – have I just taken an action that will fuck them up for the rest of their lives, how will this change them, will they cope well and become better little people? Or will they sustain some sort of emotional damage? To name but a few thoughts…

I have no choice. I am on my knees emotionally and physically, I need so desperately to rest, to get strong in every sense. Not ‘just’ from the cancer, but the whirlwind of my life for so many years now. As the wonderful surgeon said to me at the very start of this journey, this is a shot across the bow, take heed. And I have and I am. But fuck, doing the right thing is so extraordinarily tough sometimes. 

Never, ever, in 26 years, have I put myself first. It took cancer, and the threat that this was a warning shot cancer, to push me to take these steps. That almost scares me – for 26 years my whole focus has been my children. Once did I share that focus, and that was during my time in Mostar. And the guilt crippled me then. 

Obviously as parent, you put your children first. It’s what you do, period. But partly due to my life circumstances, partly due to my childhood madness and partly to do with the fact I am extreme, I have done it for most of these years to the detriment of myself. So my motivating factor now – if I don’t get well in every sense, I will not survive to see them grow up – or older in the case of Hayley. 

Yes, I realised when I was sick that a regret was not living a hedonistic period of time – but I know me. If I also did not believe, wholeheartedly, that unless I take these steps I will not have heeded the warning shot and therefore unlikely survive more than a few years, I wouldn’t have managed to do this. 

Ok – let’s see can I stop crying long enough to try and get home. Ha – I don’t have a home anymore! To my wonderful friends house.