Sitting on my bed, looking out at the sea. Incredible. As you may have guessed, my move to the beachfront hut/cottage (basically, one room and a bathroom, fab) happened and I could not be happier.

Its been an interesting few days – all of my dressings are off, the burn still looks pretty nasty, but healing over. I stopped the detox as it was too much. Didn’t make it to Muay Thai, as that was also too much. Did make it to bed. A lot. Told the mad Australian by e-mail to back the fuck off telling me what to do…obsessed with getting me off my phone, offline. Increasingly more reluctant to talk to anyone. The King has died here – the longest reigning monarch ever, and much loved. Won’t get into any more as extremely sensitive – in Thailand I mean. Not me. Well, yes me, but not about this topic. Sigh.

Thanks to one of you wonderful people, I am now working on removing the ‘shoulds’. Taking each day as it comes, foot off the accelerator…I think…that feeling of ‘I only have xxxx amount of time and all these things I want to do!’. And switching to believing that I will have all the time I need, that I will take all the time I need, and trust that I will know when I am ready for each next step. Whether that is Muay Thai, writing my book, planning next steps etc. For now, its doing pretty much nothing.

The physical, emotional and mental exhaustion are really kicking in. Unsurprising I know, I get that intellectually. Honestly, not that easy to ride all the time. Its scary how that way of being can become normal – I realise in many ways how numb I am emotionally (and intellectually) but it does not send up red flags. As in, I have been this way for so long at this point I can’t remember being any other way, so when I say they are kicking in they have actually been there all along, but I have functioned with that baseline. Oh. Not completely numb. 2 startlingly unattractive and overweight men have just set up on beach loungers outside my room – I have feelings of wanting to punch them for ruining my beautiful view. Oh for fucks sake, one wearing luminous yellow swimming shorts.

My tattoo is just fantastic – I love it so much. Will get my second, much smaller one, in the next few days.

Oh – and my left boob has got a lot harder and starting to become a weird shape :-(. I was told this can happen after radiation, but the surgeon prefers to wait a year after surgery before replacing the implant…lets see. I may write to her and ask if it can be done earlier, perhaps here. It literally hurts to lie on my front…not a major problem, relatively speaking, but…