PETCT scan is on this morning apparently…I found out at 11pm last night. Clearly the army is behind me. And I head back to the UK in 2 days. Which is good – I am so bloody tired and tired of being alone now. I needed it, needed this work and space to cope and…

My doc called me back today, to say that the injectable radiation stuff hadn’t been delivered by the army. Of course it hadn’t. I swear you couldn’t make it up. So – tomorrow I try again in the morning (the Islamic conversion plot becoming more believable since this will be day 2 of semi fasting)…

I was on my way…and it was cancelled. Apparently the stuff they inject you with has not been supplied today and they hope it will be by tomorrow – and its a problem across Amman…perhaps it is used in secret weapon making as well and has been banned. I did mention rollercoaster ride, right. For…

Well, I think I will get the results this afternoon…my ISIS NBF said that the results take a few hours and then to come to his office on the afternoon of the test. However, in my experience, things are rarely as they seem when it comes to timings in the Middle East so lets see…….

I walk into the oncologist’s office, with my colleague, Ahmad from work. The colleague who I have met once before last week and really only this week…who has, fortunately for him in terms of having to deal with me, set up all the mental health and psycho social programmes in Jordan for IMC. The point…

Things that are wonderful in my life: 1. An abundance of love. 2. Literally everywhere I turn, all around me, someone to lean on, to love, to feel loved, to listen to me, to ask for help and support. 3. These are obviously not in order of priority – since this one is my children….

Which apparently is the answer to it all.  We know that love and friends are the way to go, but adding a steak to the mix seems to be the winning combination. Feeling so much better – welcome back to the love, hope, joy, laughter and belief all will be well.

I am so very, very tired this evening. I have been held from a distance while I just cried and cried, while the lump of fear melted and thank you. I seem to need to do that every day, at least once a day – a release as my wonderful friend and homeopath told me…

So here I am – Sonia who has cancer. How very surreal – will I stop being just Sonia at any point, will I just become the cancer? I truly hope not – it took me a long time to become me and like me – and I really do like who I am today….

with a smile. Really feeling loved today by the most incredible people I have around me. Thank you all of you. Xxxxx

So let’s hold onto the sides. Went to the cancer hospital here, and cannot tell you how much better I felt speaking to the administrator there. She was can do, helpful, recommended an oncologist, I will see him on Saturday, I can get the tests done on Monday. Wrangling the fucking test results from my…

And I can’t sleep…which sucks. I am beyond scared at this point – I haven’t been able to eat, I feel weak and like I want to collapse in a heap. I really need to pull myself together. I know this level of fear – this is a new one of course in one sense…