This post straight after the other one…I really will be writing a book. The last one ended up being about time…I don’t figure these out, but just write what comes out when I start writing. And feel so much better when I do.

I know you, my friends, are reading these posts and it means so much to me. I can’t always, or very often in fact, handle talking about all this on a one to one as the love I feel from you releases a lot of the tears and emotions which I need to do in my own time right now. Writing in a sort of void is working for now…I am crying now…but it feels good, I need the release.

I must have cancer. I am so intuitive, connected and the emotional rollercoaster right now doesn’t make sense if I don’t. I feel I am processing it all before I get the actual result, hence these tears. But I am avoiding the projecting, in the main. I have very tentatively ventured onto a couple of cancer support group sites and specifically focussed on where people are waiting for results – and everyone has said that the waiting was actually the worst part. Once they had a diagnosis, they could get on with it. And perhaps that is the reason for this wait for me – I am landing it, when I hear I will likely be a lot more prepared (and not least in Jordan, away from the kids so much easier on them) and ready to switch into action mode. I will already be in action mode in Jordan as the work there will be around the clock pretty much – never have I been so grateful for that.

I do really need you all right now – verging on desperately so. I sink regularly, please can you help me get back up to the surface? Its always OK on the surface because you can see around you, feel the light, float, swim gently, let the water carry you when you need it to….when you sink, you panic, the darkness starts taking over, that frantic feeling of suffocating takes over, reaching for the surface but not sure you will manage to get there.

Letting love in was the message I told myself repeatedly this morning – let the love in. Feel it, absorb it, When I get the results, don’t please let me get maudlin, don’t let me become breast cancer and nothing else, take the piss out of me, don’t let me take myself too seriously, remind me that the cancer is one very small part of me and my life, it is not the whole and nor should I let it  become so. I wrote that the other day, about 200 years ago now, and I mean it. I am so incredibly lucky to have all of you in my life, to have what I have today. My family, my friends (and those who are reading this today are my family), my work and me – I will not let the cancer take that away or become bigger. I have to keep it small, weirdly almost insignificant otherwise it will dominate my whole life. I want my life to be exactly the same in many ways, it will continue as it has, just that I additionally will be dealing with cancer – not that my whole life will be cancer and I will additionally be living my life. Fuck that.

As I am writing, I am understanding a little more of this journey….the waiting….I am ready now. For the first time since Tuesday, I am ready now to hear the news. I am ready for the next steps – to hear I have cancer and begin the journey to find out more about what exactly I am up against and what I need to do. I wrote early on that I couldn’t imagine having to do all the research, the finding out, etc etc – I can imagine it now. I am ready to do it.