So here I am – Sonia who has cancer. How very surreal – will I stop being just Sonia at any point, will I just become the cancer? I truly hope not – it took me a long time to become me and like me – and I really do like who I am today. I am proud of what I have achieved and continue to achieve, I genuinely think I’m pretty cool, I feel blessed by the wonderful people I have around me – not least of course my children :).
The lumps are very palpable, and actually hurting quite a lot – hurting probably a bit extreme, but uncomfortable. It is VERY weird to touch two parts of me that are cancer – how am I meant to react to that? Do I hate it, am I scared of it, should I embrace it – I truly don’t know. I always thought cancer was a very dark energy – but these are not. And that confuses me.
I’m crying now, and not entirely sure why. But from the start of this journey, its felt completely OK to cry and I don’t get that either. The brilliant part is that before when I cried, it was horribly intense because I cried many, many years of pain and grief: now I am just crying because I am really sad I have to do this now. Its like a sadness, as opposed to a pain or grief, that I don’t fully understand. And nor do I have to for now.
Going to talk to the man on skype now. I would give a lot now just to be able to lie in his arms, have him here with me. Yet I know right now I am in absolutely the right place and where I am meant to be.
Walk with me 
Love you Sonia. And I am quite sure you have never ever been referred to as ‘just Sonia’, irrespective of the situation.
Oh, except maybe the first night I met you.
Me: “Who IS she? So rude and scathing with her wit?”
Joh: “Oh yeh, that’s just Sonia”
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Now laughing and crying. You must be a true friend Tess – I remember that night well, and I was super bitch!! Or else you just recognised part of you in me 😉
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and the first time I met you “hoo shoot, I just told the Somali Finance Minister about my vagina”. Some pick up line for a great friendship!
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I know you are still there. Not forgetting.
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At least one reason there has never been ‘just sonia’ is because who else would say ‘the brilliant part about crying is…’
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‘oh, it’s just Sonia’, – running a famine emergency response.
‘oh, it’s just Sonia’, – stopping cigarettes, coffee, gluten, sugar in the same week, because, ‘I might as well’
‘oh it’s just Sonia’ – raising 3 wonderful, suspiciously sane kids, on her own, and having fun while doing it
‘oh it’s just Sonia’ who when she is done working 1.5 jobs, raising the kids, not inhaling nicotine or having decent food, dealing with major humanitarian crisis, finds time to strategize with friends and get THEIR life on track
Just Sonia.
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