Things that are wonderful in my life:

1. An abundance of love.

2. Literally everywhere I turn, all around me, someone to lean on, to love, to feel loved, to listen to me, to ask for help and support.

3. These are obviously not in order of priority – since this one is my children. Hayley-  the most incredibly (adult) daughter in the world – with whom I have laughed so much over the past 6 months I am amazed we weren’t locked up. Yannis and Aissa – these two little (big) beings who entered my life and make it a brighter, more 3 dimensional and love filled place every day.

4. My work. I love what I do – the politics, industry, and all that nonsense has worn me down more than one occasion. But fundamentally I love what I do and what I can do. I make a difference and that is all I ever wanted.

5. The man. I have met a man who makes me feel like a woman, who is not scared of me or my disease. And who is a critical care nurse. I mean really – who the fuck else could meet, and fall for, a critical care nurse a couple of weeks before being diagnosed with breast cancer.

6. My incredible life so far. Nobody could accuse me of not having lived my life – the stories, the insanity, the fun, the despair, the experiences – never, ever dull.

7. The fact I can ask for help and receive it. I have never been good at either of those – and guess what, I just got good at it. I have and will, continually, ask all of you to help me, to love me through this in many different ways. I cannot do this alone, I do not want to do this alone and its so incredibly clear to me that I do not have to do it alone. How incredible.

8. And my life today. I celebrate my life today. I am sitting in the Kempinski, Amman (always surreal), with my coffee, feeling love and loved, smiling and crying and celebrating. My friends, celebrate my life today with me. Not in a maudlin, its been great and now it sucks, but because its fucking great today. Because actually it is.

Things that suck in my life today:

1. I have breast cancer. Which, weirdly, I can cope with. It doesn’t scare me – I see me regularly down the road, surgery, chemo, radiation and so forth – and I am absolutely OK with that. Totally confident I will come out the other side of it.

2. The fact it may have spread and/or that it is terminal. I am not OK with this. In fact, this is the biggest thing for me – I am absolutely terrified of getting these tests and more to the point, the results, in the coming week.

So – its pretty clear that on balance, my life is pretty fucking amazing. Yes, it would be a lot more so if I didn’t have cancer, but the fact I have cancer does not (should not) take away the amazing things – in fact, frankly, its actually added to them in a way. Maybe that is the trick, for now, see what cancer is teaching me, giving me, instead of taking away from me. Who knows.

Today my friends, please help me deal with the fear – number 2 above – because I actually don’t know how to. And every day, including today, celebrate numbers 1 – 8 with me.