PETCT scan is on this morning apparently…I found out at 11pm last night. Clearly the army is behind me.

And I head back to the UK in 2 days. Which is good – I am so bloody tired and tired of being alone now. I needed it, needed this work and space to cope and its been amazing to have it, I really couldn’t have asked for more in terms of dealing with this. But now I want to go home and I desperately want to sleep more than the few hours a night I manage which only happen from complete exhaustion.

I’m sad again this morning. Sad that I have to walk this journey, sad that you all have to walk it with me, sad that I need to alter the course of my life to deal with this. Of course I will do whatever it takes to come the other side of this – healthier, better, having learned more, but I am sad I have to. I don’t want to have make these choices, cancelling going to Tuscany (for the start at least), wondering how I will manage to work while doing chemo, constantly shifting how I look at things to make sure I can clearly see the learning and positive in all of this, letting myself cry when I have to like now. Sad I have met someone and cannot just enjoy that, 7 years after having shut that door. Sad that my priorities have to change. I know all the answers, I know how to turn these all into positives, I truly do, but right now I am just grieving – almost like losing an innocence – what you have to do while facing possible death. And again – I can spin all this around to the positives, and I do and I will, just not right this moment. Which is OK.

Listening to Tracy Chapman’s ‘I’m Ready’ right now which I have been listening to a lot the last couple of weeks, literally to get the words ‘I’m ready’ into my psyche. I am ready, to find out today exactly what I am dealing with. As ready as you can ever be. I’m ready to heal. I’m ready to come home and face what I need to with my children. I’m ready to not be alone. And I’m ready to be hardcore. This last 10 days have proven that to me – that I really can be as tough as I need to be. If I can get a cancer diagnosis, truly feel what that means on so many levels and keep going enough to start turning around a fucked up Syria/Jordan operation, then I can get through this. I needed to prove that to myself and I have.

And you all – keep me laughing. Laughter will heal me, I truly know it will. The tears now and always are a release and that is fine. But every part of me thrives on laughter, on the hysterically funny experiences I’ve had on this journey so far and don’t doubt I will keep having.

Laugher from the heart is about life, celebrating life, loving life and its about love. So please can we all celebrate love and laughter today – you all in your lives as well – lets make today ‘Laughter Day’. Tuesday 14th July is now officially laughter day – not just with me, each of you in your lives – collective laughter day. Have even changed the title of this post. Find something today that makes you laugh so hard you cry, that your sides hurt. Up for the challenge? Even if I get ‘bad’ news today, that won’t take away from the positive energy created by us all laughing like idiots and can only help the healing.

And yes, I am aware I sound like a deranged, drug filled Miss World. Really. But fuck it, I have cancer, I can be as insane as I want and you all have to humour me to greater or lesser degrees ;-).