Perhaps I should rename this blog ‘just’….funnily enough, read a story yesterday about how women should not use the word ‘just’ if they want to be respected – professionally that is. And actually, I get that – I often use it in a work context and it is often disempowering and pseudo apologetic.

However, not the case in this blog!

Practical update. I see Dr ISIS today at 11am and get an MRI. Will find out more about my lumps (still very unsure how I feel about them – they are very prominent and I cannot avoid feeling them. Well, to qualify, I don’t sit in meetings/work groping my left boob…though given how erratic my behaviour has been I don’t think anyone would be surprised) from the PETCT scan. Listen to what he is proposing in terms of treatment and get the MRI done.

I will however try to refrain from declaring undying love to him, promising to convert to Islam and offering to fast for the last couple of days of Ramadan. He has been an absolute star though – another angel (ummm…are there angels in Islam?) on this journey. I texted him post PET scan yesterday saying that I had been told the result would not be ready until today and could he help as I was very anxious. Yes, gross understatement, but wasn’t sure if he would understand the term ‘barking’. He called immediately, called the scan place, said they would have the results at 2.30pm (it was 12.30pm at this point) and would call me back. Sure enough, 2.53 he calls back to tell me its clear. He cares and that is obvious. He charged me local rates for seeing him when I told him I didn’t have insurance, he told me in a very genuine and honourable way about a Palestinians woman he was treating who didn’t have a lot of money – it was in context to a conversation regarding chemo as first option without surgery – and I could feel the care, humility and genuine desire to heal. Something sadly so missing in many doctors.

And this has brought into sharp focus how I do not feel held or cared for in any way by the hospital I attended in London. They made it extremely difficult to get my results, would not take into account the fact I am away, I need to travel for work and basically have a general don’t give a fuck attitude. Perhaps I should suggest they join ISIS to learn some empathy and caring. But, I am going to transfer to the Royal Marsden – I want to get my treatment there, perhaps in combination with here during August, lets see. So that is my mission for today – call them, see will they take me straight up, if not call my GP and get them to refer me.

I am feelling incredibly grateful today. Genuinely so. I have all of you who are holding me so very beautifully through this and I know will continue to do so, the serendipity in all of this so far has been incredible. Again, I get the irony, but truly feel it. I am not scared at all today. I am fully confident in telling Hayley (Hayley, I know you will read this at some point, and you are allowed to hate me. Briefly ;)) because I am confident myself that this will actually be a healing journey on many levels.

Thank you to all of you. Thank you is wholly inadequate, but it is from my heart.

Oh – and suggestions of how I thank Ahmad, my mental health friend who has made all this possible in Amman, gratefully accepted.