In tears, feeling exhausted. The mood swings are intense and while I am doing my best to roll with them, it can be, as we say in my line of work, a challenge. What we mean, and what I mean now, is that they can be an absolute fucking nightmare –  saying challenge is putting a positive spin on it when you don’t really mean it….and just for this minute while I am writing this….I don’t really feel a positive spin anywhere nearby.

I’m scared, feeling vulnerable, the exhaustion I am pretty sure is from the intensity of feelings, lying in bed in my hotel room needing to be in the office in less than an hour and literally planning each step. I.e., how I will get it together to get to the shower, then get dressed, then walk out the door…it gets to that sometimes. Though the thing is, I always do it. And I need to know every day, whatever my mood, that I always manage to do it – and not just manage, but I do it and then I feel good again.

I can see how the 9 days I had back in the UK with The Man, with my friends around me physically and remotely but holding the space, without my kids but knowing they were having a blast, really nourished me emotionally. And how after not that many days here alone with only work I am getting weaker. Or perhaps its not that. I certainly had massive ups and downs during the 9 days I am talking about in the UK before I came here. Hard to know because apart from financially, I know I need work for my emotional/mental wellbeing as well. Lets see, I am sure it will become clearer as time goes on.

One thing that seems to be a constant is a need to prove to myself that no matter what, I can do this alone if I need to. Which is weird of course because I also believe this is about love as I have said many times, and about asking for what I need and gracefully and lovingly accepting it. Yet there is this almost desperate need to know that if everything falls through, I am tough enough to be able to do this alone and come out the other side. Absolute contradictions. Or not, I am not really sure, but it confuses me as the doing it alone feeling is intense – driven almost.

OK. Baby steps for now. Put down the computer, move off the bed and step into the shower. Amazing how those things can feel as similar and as daunting as starting to climb 2000 steps…yes, I know, cliches abound. Sorry. I have cancer, an excuse which apparently will not wear thin anytime soon – oh look, a positive spin just snuck in ;-).