A quick thing while I think of it.

Some people, and some of you, refer to battling/fighting/overcoming cancer. I completely and utterly get where you are coming from, and not least with me since as we all know, I do battle pretty well 🙂

On this journey though, and for reasons I cannot fully explain even to myself, I do not feel any sense of battle or fight. The cancer is part of me, it is part of my body that has taken a wrong course, got over excited and starting to become destructive rather than productive, And I understand that very well, in myself and in life around me all the time. I referred to someone in work yesterday who is bored in his role and using the energy to cause trouble for others – kind of similar principle. I am also a recovering addict: I get how I can destroy myself with just a flick of a switch, the exact same principle as what my body is doing physiologically right now.

I want to heal, not fight. I have fought for so much of my life, and I needed to in order to survive. But I don’t feel that survival mentality around this, not so far anyway. I keep feeling so strongly its about love, asking for help, allowing myself to receive help, allowing myself to be loved….all extremely gentle emotions. And the crying, which I do so much of, is mostly gentle – with a few blips into the past.

When I am fighting, I don’t cry. I rage, I am driven, I shut down, I survive, I don’t take hostages, I become razor sharp, brittle, focussed only on surviving, formidable. I know this mode of being very, very well.

But that is not what I am doing now. Although its interesting writing this, because I am remembering what I was talking about yesterday, the need to know I am tough and I can do it – I think that feeling is so strong because I have never faced something as big as this before in gentle, healing mode – I have faced it in fight mode. So I need to know I can be as tough as nails, but without having to actually be so, just to know that I can be if I need to be. But I choose to do this one, for now, gently and with love.