Yes, back to number 1. Which is all about asking for what I need. And then being willing to accept it.

I get the feeling I will need to keep practising this one…The Man doesn’t read this blog – not because he is illiterate I hasten to add, but rather because I haven’t sent him the link. I am not really sure why – lots of reasons, not least one of them being that I have talked about him on here quite a bit! And am about to again… I had a bit of a sleepless night, unfortunately, up since 4.30am. I don’t cope well with not enough sleep these days – another trigger to the emotional rollercoaster so I know by this evening I will likely be hysterical. Yes, I know, not exactly something new, hence me not adding ‘how cancer changes you #37’…

Anyway – the reason for the sleepless night was a bout of anxiety about a situation involving me and The Man where I was feeling very responsible, a little backed into a corner and generally unhappy. It was churning around my head at 4.30am and then after about half an hour, I quite literally thought, ‘I have cancer – I cannot afford to do this and I need to be honest, express how I feel and ask for what I need’. I honestly appreciate how that sounds like a line from some corny self help book – to the point of vomit inducing – but it literally happened like that, one of those light bulb moments. So I wrote him an e-mail (since I didn’t think he’d appreciate my moment of revelation at 2.30am his time) and I think, relatively speaking, I was pretty clear about how I felt and what I needed him to do.

Stating the blindingly obvious given my history, I don’t do relationships well. I don’t trust my ‘selection’ radar, nor my reactions or feelings….but I do however trust this new way of thinking and behaving. I honestly have no idea how he will respond – cancer has propelled us into something that is a lot more intense and serious than it would be in ‘normal’ times – which is pretty scary to say the least. And of course, I am scared of being rejected right now. But, overall, I am more scared of not expressing myself, carrying any negative emotions around and bottling things up – I cannot afford to do that now if I want to get well.

And while I am not scared, I am quite concerned that my lack of sleep today will lead to a number of potential unprofessional scenarios during the workshop I am running. The options off the top of my head could be:

1. Telling a senior IMC person from HQ that he is a stupid, fat and useless fuckhead. I came close yesterday.
2. Bursting into tears when the group don’t actually come up with solutions to the simplest, simplest of tasks. To say they are not solutions focussed would be an understatement.
3. Standing on the table, shouting ‘I have breast cancer and couldn’t give a fuck’. Every day for me carries the risk of doing that, or a version of it
4. Falling asleep while fuckhead from number 1 drones on about complete crap.
5. A variation on number 3 – doing that, then leaving the workshop and going back to bed. Note to self: sign your 6 month contract first.