Another first – feeling like I am on top of things –  a semblance of control across more than just one area of my life and this is the first time, literally, that I have felt this since the rollercoaster started. Bloody hell, does it feel good!

To date, I have managed it with one area at a time – mostly work, truth be told. Its why work has been so incredibly good for me as it was the only area I felt in charge, on top of, productive – while the rest of my life felt like it was in varying stages of falling apart to greater or lesser degrees. The life raft was work – each time I felt like I was drowning I could hold onto the fact that I was rocking it at work. Almost desperately at times.

But today, I feel like I have turned a corner in this journey. I have to qualify today as I never know these days, but it feels like something quite major has shifted and while it will of course still be a rollercoaster, some pieces that were all over the place have landed.

First, I am hoping to sign my 6 month contract in the coming days. Secured work as an employee, work I love, and health insurance. Pretty bloody amazing.

Second, I will extend my time here in Amman until 11th September. So I will have 4 weeks straight here to really get things moving, then agreed that I will spend 4 weeks in the UK straight so I can have that time to ground as a family, be in one place for the start of treatment and get my life in London on some sort of track.

Third, I am on top of my results/treatment etc. There has been varying amounts of confusion about results, will I be part of the RIO trial, blah blah. And I got on top of that yesterday and today – which feels great. I have written to the lovely Professor Smith’s secretary (Gemma) asking to start treatment on 15th Sept, not 1st. Explaining its because of work, chunk of time in the UK etc, but also because all my test results are not in yet and I would prefer to have those and to have clarity on what will be happening. Won’t bore you all with the details, but I understand what is going on and feel like I can start to, appropriately, take charge of my treatment.

Fourth, I had wondered if/when that would kick in. The me feeling in charge of my treatment part. I had landed the healing part on an emotional and spiritual level, but the actual physical practicalities were just not in my sphere of thinking – part of the not feeling in control. I know what I am like, and the gap of feeling like I was floating around, hearing all about what was going to happen etc etc but not feeling connected to it was really difficult for me. And I am now finally in action. A step at a time, but I have taken charge by talking to various people in the Marsden yesterday, sorting out the timing, saying I want to wait for results and so on.

Fifth, I am actually hanging out with some people here in Amman this time. I was out last night, meeting people today -I feel more able to do this now and I know that I will cope much better as a result.

Sixth, looks like The Man will be coming to work here with the team for 4 or so weeks – so we get to be together here. That one has had some ups and downs on lots of levels, but has also landed now in a very solid and positive way. If HR get it together, he should be here in a few days…yes, I did say ‘if’ and ‘HR’…eternal optimist…

Lastly – I saw this today on FB and apart from it being wonderfully funny, it SO resonated with me: http://www.amazon.com/Avoid-Huge-Ships-John-Trimmer/dp/0870334336/?tag=ohmy0c-20. My life the last 6 weeks has literally felt like everyone around me has been seriously discussing how to avoid big ships…and I have been wandering around wondering what the fuck they are all on about, that complete level of surreal has been a pretty constant feature. This just summed it up for me…for those of you that have time to have a look at it.

Finally, at the end of this very long post, thank you all. Thank you so, so much – your love, care, compassion has carried me through this, and will continue to. I cannot do it alone, and knowing I don’t have to is just incredible.