I wonder are the two connected….but I realised last night that I haven’t cried for days…another first is my ‘life since I found out I have cancer’. Then of course I started worrying that I hadn’t cried – perhaps I am suppression emotions, that’s not good for me etc etc – then I realised I was actually just happy. Literally laughing as I write that – my little journey around ‘just’ feeling happy.

The Dead Sea was just incredible – I have been 2.5 years in this region, in and out of Amman countless times and never made it out of the city. So it was just brilliant to finally get out, 4 of us went, floating in the Dead Sea was such a buzz, seeing the West Bank just across was surreal, painting ourselves in mud was a little close to the line but all in all fantastic! And not working for the whole day…that was probably the best part.

So I wonder can I start a whole list of positive things that have happened ‘since I found out I have breast cancer’? Making the diagnosis into something that, while devastating on one level, also has a whole list of positive connotations attached to it. I want to shift the ‘before’ and ‘since’ mindset I talked about in my previous post as that makes me really sad (as in feeling sad, not a sad git…although…).

Many of you write to me in response to these blog posts – which I love – either on here or skype or mail – perhaps I can ask you to think of things either for you (preferably) or me that are positive since I found out I had cancer? I’ll kick off below:

1. The Man. ‘Nuff said 😉 – wouldn’t have jumped in this deep this quick were it not for the cancer shoving me off the cliff! My first date with him was all about, ‘I am polyamorous, not into commitment’ albeit it with a massive connection that I vaguely denied to myself. Second date, which I left the next morning thinking ‘oh shit – this is very, very different and I could fall for this guy – perhaps I should stay away, but I’m not sure I can or really want to’. Third date: ‘I think I may have cancer and I love you’. Well, OK, it wasn’t really – the I love you part I mean – but was just a great line and actually not so far off the truth.
2. Experiencing the Dead Sea. A woman here that knows about the cancer is making it a mission to get me out of Amman and to lovely places
3. The love and help I receive literally on a daily basis. The whole new experience of asking for help, it being freely given, being open to receiving it. Not just once a year. From all of you, from people I barely know, from the most unexpected places. (Just to qualify, I don’t go around telling bus drivers, random people on the street etc. Yet.)
4. Being able to constantly throw out lines like, ‘I have cancer, be nice to me/listen to me’ etc and having up my sleeve one of the best out clauses possible for tricky situations.