So here I am, arrived in Amman 2 weeks ago today….still waiting for The Man to arrive…NGO HR being the wonderfully (in) efficient machine it is means his arrival keeps getting delayed. Was meant to be tonight…crossing my fingers it will be Wednesday. Its destabilising me more than I care to admit – alongside realising I really do need him with me. I have done really well here, my mood has mostly been upbeat and I have felt strong, but I am starting to sink now and I know that when he is here I will be OK – but I can feel the struggle really starting to kick in.

When does it, if ever, become OK to admit need? I have always worked on the basis that needing people is unhealthy – not that I haven’t been extremely needy at times in my life – but that need is a bottomless pit, puts unrealistic expectations on others, and all the negative connotations that go with the expression, ‘s/he is needy’.

I am, however, pretty sure I have crossed the rubicon into ‘needy’. I need all of you, I need The Man, I need what at times feels like endless support and at other times feels almost desperate. I need to be told when I am scared that I am not alone, I need to feel held and loved, I need the strength of others to carry me when I am weak, I need to laugh with those I love (and even sometimes those I don’t ;-)), I need to know its OK to be selfish – that to focus on me and me alone is the right thing to do now. And I need all these things, and more, repeatedly.

Which leads to the next question – selfishness. Those people I know who survive against all odds across a whole host of challenges, are very often deeply selfish. Not necessarily self centred, but selfish by way of having a natural ability to put the focus on themselves without concern for how that affects others. Its something if I am honest, that I have at times envied. They seem oblivious to how others are feeling, reacting or wanting from them. And surely this is actually how we should all be? It is the way children are – they are deeply loving, caring and inherently selfish. Yet in that, amazing free spirits, because they are not burdened with the heaviness of others thoughts and feelings – they are just themselves at any given minute and that is part of the incredible joy of being around children. That is the question – are people who are considered selfish actually just being completely true to themselves? And therefore liberating and a joy to be around.

So, in conclusion, I am contemplating whether to become needy and selfish. Well, OK, the former seems to have crept in, so I shall rephrase – I am debating how to accept, live and work with the fact that I am needy and wondering if I should go the whole hog and add selfish to the mix……