And my first chemo. We just got the date today from the transport company who go cross border. So as I sit with a drip in my arm in London I will be closely following the progress. Weird. 

Feeling sad today and so very, very tired. Feeling sorry for myself would probably be more apt. When I went to see the surgeon at the Marsden, who was lovely, she said to me that Grade 1 or 2 breast cancer is infinitely curable. When I spoke about work etc, she told me that this was a warning shot across the bow. Both of those sentences have stuck in my mind ever since – am I heeding the warning? Will I learn enough to make the changes I need to make? When and how will I know if I have changed sufficiently?

I feel that my lumps have grown. They are painful the last few days, under my arm and the whole shoulder area hurts. It’s really fucking scary to feel it like this all the time – I also noticed a puckering of skin around my nipple and parts of my left breast. And you know what, I have seen that a number of times (it’s not permanent, it comes and goes) for a long time. Not sure if months or years. But as far as I remember, it’s one of the things they tell you to look for. I missed it – I actually thought it was implant related – and in fact it could still be since I can’t remember how long it’s been there for. But a part of me is really angry with myself for not noticing sooner: not having the mammogram in Lebanon a year or more ago. Was the cancer there then? Would I have caught it earlier? I had an appointment which I never went to…

On a more positive note, I am negative for the breast cancer gene. And Hayley found us a brilliant house to live in, the offer was accepted today for the rent and all going well we move mid – late October. It’s really, really lovely and I know we will be happy there :).