Yesterday was tough – the ups and downs can be, what do we say in the NGO world, ‘challenging’. Fucking crap would be closer to the truth. So from buzzing the day before, to crashing yesterday – mainly I think from tiredness.

Well, also from going to see the lovely, but completely insane, woman who owns the salon around the corner. TMI coming up, but I would always go and get waxing with her before my dates back in the months where I was back acting like a 17 years old – and we used to have a real laugh about various men, silly stories etc. I haven’t seen her since I found out I had cancer, and she had offered me a free facial for my birthday so off I went – plus wanting to get something for my nails as apparently if you paint them with ‘Shellac’ (no, I don’t really know what that is – nail polish plus superglue or something) it stops them going yellow/flaking with the chemo. Aaaaannnnyyywwwaaaayyyyy, I spent over 2 hours there, chatting and everything – but in retrospect, she wanted the ‘old’ me – tough, talking about men, joking all the time etc etc. Not the softer, with one guy, more vulnerable me.

So I left wanting the old me as well. And not so enamoured with the new me. Any major crisis in my life, I have gone into full kick ass mode – tough as nails (ha – as tough as mine with the superglue stuff on them now), normally smoking, bulldozer ‘get through it and take no hostages’. This one, I have gone more introverted, softer, vulnerable (thanks Shiv, ‘need’ replaced with ‘vulnerability’ :-)), moved into, not out of, a relationship, Yes, I know all the positives of this, I truly do. I get it. But I fucking miss the old me. I want right now to be out there, super skinny, smoking, bald, kicking ass – in everyone’s face. Fighting cancer, bolshy as fuck – just have that feeling of invulnerability for a while. That ‘I can take on absolutely anything’ feeling. Right now I feel like someone who would watch that person in admiration while making a cup of tea and sitting with a blanket over her knees. Aaaaaaggghhhhhhhh.