Must be a song title like that – I know it definitely applies to post birth times and apparently now chemo.
It’s rough as hell today – well, since last night. Pretty sure I overdid it the last couple of days and it just hit me last night…ho hum. Weak, exhausted, hyper sensitive physically and emotionally, raw, shaky, constantly dehydrated…and those are the upsides.
Still with The Man – he leaves for Amman tomorrow, I head home. I lean on him a lot. Had a meltdown this morning – the vulnerability is intense, so often feels like I am drowning and all the ways I used to know to get out have gone. I get the bigger picture, truly, and see the healing and positive in all of this. But the actual practise of it is excruciatingly difficult at times.
My old ways, and the ways I still use in work, are about tough, resilient, get it done, humor, results. And they are appropriate in the right context and I need them. However, they are the ones I draw on when I feel unsure and vulnerable to protect myself. Correction: they were the ones…. So now I know that allowing myself to feel vulnerable and raw is part of the healing. And that is unchartered territory – my old intuition, instincts, ways of being are all under question and I am at that place where the new ones haven’t kicked in yet.
Which leaves me feeling very unsure and lost a lot of the time. And crying the rest of the time. Well, that is how it feels right now. The chemo side effects in full force can be very dark – not least worse at night – I’ve barely slept since Tuesday. And that sends me to old dark places so gets to be a bit of a double whammy. And then in all that I know I must relinquish the old ‘tools’ or else I won’t heal, but my new toolbox is empty so I have to fill it up slowly and I am so very, very tired. Many times over the last 24 hours I have just felt completely bereft – drowning without knowing how to reach for the life raft. The old ropes seem to have gone and I know new ones are there, but I just can’t see them.
Chemo clearly also fatally affects metaphors.
Walk with me 
Not sleeping, on top of everything else, makes everything more intense, darker, harsher. Although I worry about the amount of work and travel you are doing while you are going through all of this, it may also be a distraction in some ways. Remember too, that not only are you undergoing chemo and all of what that must entail, your body is being subjected to an alien input (and I’m not referring to The Man here…l!!), which immediately puts you off kilter. Couple that with lack of sleep, jet lag, worry (about everything), fear (about some things) and you are a Sonia under assault. But you are also a Sonia who is creating new tools, one by one, and you are getting to where you are going, minute by minute sometimes. And you’re doing it with a lot of honesty, grace, humour and integrity. I don’t know that I would have those traits if I were going through the same thing. But you do. Breathe, float and know that your life raft is right beside you. It’s your spirit. And we are your ropes. (I have no excuse for the metaphors here…) XXX
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Thank you my wonderful friend :). I have read this many times and it makes so much sense (ha, bet you are relieved!) which helps me so much. The darkness has lifted today, still not much sleep but that will come. Xxxx
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I echo all that Margaret has said above, and add that you must not expect too much of yourself at this time. You are a very quick learner – I’ve no doubt that you will grasp and learn lessons, gain tools more quickly than most – you always have. But no one gets cancer, or any other serious illness (or enters a period of mourning, possibly similar) without experiencing a period of choppy sea. You are experiencing the choppy sea and perhaps, rather than expecting the answers and finding the correct tools, navigating skills, straight away it might be easier to accept that this is where you are at for now. Let the waves come – and go. Ride the storm, the waves. But expect them. It’s only natural. And you will come out the other side having learned so many things without even trying. In other words, I suppose I’m saying stop trying so hard to BE something and DO something. You are already doing all you can do to heal. And you will heal no matter what way you deal with it along the way – your thoughts won’t stop you healing, don’t put that pressure on yourself. The ship will dock safely on the other side xxxx
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What really fucks with my head is that since I have cancer you seem to be making a lot of sense…must be a combination of the trauma and the chemo…
However, my deep concerns aside, thank you. Because it is good to read and resonates – I realised I was trying to hard and need to be – but very good to get that validated. Even from you xx
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Shit – the metaphors are really sucking around here 🙂
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Not risking metaphors. Sending instead love, light and courage.
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I may need to change the blog title to ‘dodgy metaphors’…
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sending strength form here and the right to have none at times.
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Thank you – I like that. And will remember it.
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Thank you Trout 🙂 xxx
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