Phew..pretty much complete meltdown since I arrived in Jordan a few days ago. In retrospect, probably because I could since The Man is here.
But bloody hell, it’s been rough. Slowly coming out the other side of it, been crying most of the last 2 days, and a couple of evenings before that..The insomnia I think just completely wiped me out, combined with the madness of the last couple of weeks.
It’s been truly horrible – feeling so incredibly low, a 100 old negative thoughts taking over and just feeling like I was in a dark pit. The Man has been brilliant – it had all gone a bit pear shaped for a few days before I got here, but we sorted it out and he has held this space beautifully.
And realizing I had let this happen…I need, yet again, to make changes. As I’ve said before, the landscape changes constantly since I found out I have cancer. Honestly, I get so fucking tired of it…nothing is the same, I have to constantly accept new ways of being, approaches, the way I do or don’t deal with things. Yes, that is my general approach to life but since July it happens so often in the space of weeks and it’s exhausting. So now I need to tone down work – which I previously had to ramp up to cope. Now that approach is becoming negative for me…so time to change. And in that change, deal with the insecurity of it – because my old intuition has gone out of the window. And for someone that lives by their intuition, that is no joke. Or one that’s I have yet to find the humor in.
Insecurity – did I mention that? For fucks sake. I am insecure about everything – the years I spent building up my confidence…well, screw them as apparently cancer reverses that. The Man makes a joke – I translate that as him leaving me/not finding me attractive/being bored of me….I will now not work as much because I have to cut it back – so of course I am straight into I’m not good enough/people will feel sorry for me/I will lose my job. Get the picture?
However – I did see the wonderful Dr ISIS today. More about that in another post.
Walk with me 
I hear you Trout, and I know how utterly exhausting all this must be. It does sound like the rollercoaster of grief, constantly talking to yourself, trying to work out how/why you feel, trying to find a place to land once and for all. But it WILL come to an end. You will find a safe and sure place again. But I feel and understand your exhaustion. Thinking of you xxxx p.s. Hurry up with the Dr. ISIS post 🙂
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I saw that you hadn’t been posting and felt that either you were incredibly busy or feeling low. To my limited knowledge of these things, although what you are feeling has been woeful, I’m not in the least surprised that you have been feeling the way that you have/are. I would be surprised if you weren’t feeling any and all of these things. I have walked with some friends through your situation in the past number of years quite closely and each person handles things differently: some with deep grief, some with humor, some being very stalwart. And a combination of all of those things, sometimes on a daily basis. But you know in your heart (and I definitely know) that everything that you have done to change your life for many years is presently standing you in good stead. Even though sometimes you are in a dark and scary place, you are still being held by a good and positive force that emanates from your very spirit, and also from those of us around you who love you. On a separate subject, the missing bathrobe was returned to me by Royal Mail the other day, with a note that it hadn’t been picked up. So no need to watch out for mail persons sporting a pretty, mint green bathrobe. I feel like it wasn’t meant to be, so won’t send it back. Love you, my dear friend.
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