Drugs – Lorazepam to be precise. Rock – that would be the one I’ve been under the last few week. Roll….ing back into the light again. 

I caved – I took a sleeping pill last night. And had nearly 9 hours of sleep. For those of you who may be less familiar, its been over 29 years since I got clean and I don’t take anything that could send me back down that road. Unless things are absolutely rock (note I got ‘rock’ back in) bottom. The last few weeks qualify. I quite literally tried everything in my power to sort it out anyway other than taking a pill, but it did not work so I’m OK with it for now. But ongoing vigilance is key.

And I have ‘woken up’. Fuck, the last weeks have been depths of darkness I haven’t been to in a very long time. As always, you get clarity when you are on the other side of it. But it was absolutely horrendous, truly. I felt I was losing my mind on more than one occasion, couldn’t see a way out, the fear, the panic, the darkness prevelant all the time to greater or lesser degrees – but never gone. Hell. Feeling completely out of control mentally, physically, emotionally. Managing semblances of outward control – you know, that almost makes it worse because I can convince myself I am functioning. I am extraordinarily tough, genuinely so I mean – not the facade – so can be highly functioning  when all inside and around me is falling apart. It does me no favors. 

And The Man was around for pretty much all of this. Night and day. I’ve lost it at him so many times, he was watching me and couldn’t get through to me so many times. I was completely lost in the darkness, the exhaustion, spinning non stop. He of course got the brunt of it all because the mask drops at home. Not giving myself a hard time – but just seeing how completely fucking insane the last 2 weeks in particular have been. Since I arrived in Jordan and basically started to unravel, with him. He has been incredible – and it’s been rough as hell for us both. This morning when I finally landed what the hell has been going on, he then cracked from sheet exhaustion and relief. The pressure he has been under has been immense and it’s because of the love and space he’s held that I could find my way out. But it’s taken its toll on him. Big time.

 I am out the other side. And will not let this happen again. It’s been a hell of a fucking journey and because it’s me I’ve pushed it as far as I could before realizing I need to stop. This time, because of The Man, I just about every stopped before the actual train crash…..but at a huge cost to him and us. So – work is going to give. I’ve been working 2 jobs since July, my regional position and then setting up a large scale emergency response. It worked for me for many reasons for July and August and I needed it, but since chemo it’s been insane. Work is not what I need now to help me through this journey – now i need love, gentleness, calm and fun. I have lost the lightness and I miss it terribly. Chemo is harsh, very brutal, rough and extremely dark. As are many of the situations I work to alleviate. I can’t do both. 

So I am on my way to Beirut (literally, on the plane currently) to run a 2 day workshop and where I will talk to my friend and boss saying I will ‘just’ do my regional job and step back from the rest. My ‘day’ job is actually very easy and gentle and I can do that – my own time, travel which I need, no staff, deadlines I set etc. And I feel really  good about it. I want my energy back for me so I can then use it for my life. Enough of me pouring it away then expecting others to pick up the pieces. In this case, The Man – expecting him to constantly pour energy into me/us while I burn out. 

So, I have learned, change is happening and bring back the gentleness. And my two pet lumps are smaller, whatever the fuck some stupid radiologist says.