Getting on top of myself more like. OK, slowly taking back some control over my life, my wellbeing and my bedroom. The latter meaning my actual bedroom – don’t panic, wasn’t planning to regale you all with stories about my sex life. Not least that The Man is in Amman so hardly much to tell. 

Following the 4th night of insomnia, I am again deeply vulnerable and emotional. Fortunately after the last horrendous meltdown, I can at least intellectually recognize this time that it is ALL about the insomnia. I know for now I can do the rollercoaster that is cancer and its treatment and live my life with all the ups and downs. But I absolutely cannot do it without sleep. I’m on the edge again and suffering from my innate ability to look and fool myself into thinking I can cope – and then completely cracking up at the smallest thing. So, this morning I have:

• Spoken to The Man (always makes me happy :))
• Obtained an emergency GP appointment to get something for sleep – where I am currently, sitting outside as the waiting room is packed with sick people. Obviously. Just not great with a compromised immune system. 
• Started the process to see the psychiatrist at the Marsden. I am OK with taking sleeping tablets for now but not as a long term measure. So I want professional advise and help – and from someone that understands that after 20 years of therapy I don’t need to go back to my childhood, but need help for the here and now. 
• Limited work to the absolute bare minimum – not just this morning but this week. I’ve prioritized me – getting my room and new home sorted, getting my sleep (hopefully) and health sorted. 
• Arranged to speak to my homeopath tomorrow morning.

And I feel really good with taking back some control like this. I nearly burst into tears when the GP receptionist heard in my voice, more than I was even aware of, the desperation and suggested an emergency appointment. The relief after that was so immense I then realized how on the edge I was/am. 

It really is incredible how I can continue to function, as someone who considers themselves self aware, ‘as normal’ when I am actually on my knees physically and emotionally. I am really seeing how much of my life I have gone through in a haze of exhaustion and just continually pushing myself to where it has become my norm. So again, this journey is teaching me an incredible life lesson – I don’t want that to be my norm anymore. It’s tough because I barely recognize and often when it’s too late and I’ve crashed – but I think I may be learning – the usual one forward and two back, but that’s OK.

Sense of humour will resume after the intermission of sleep. Although, a lovely lady just left the doctors surgery and we chatted briefly – she asked me how the treatment was going – I said well, but the chemo is a killer. She smiled and said its good its that way round given the other option – and we both burst out laughing as I realised it was an unfortunate turn of phrase I’d used. I really do meet a lot of angels.