I figured it must be time for a hair update. I know of course you were all dying to ask, fascinated even, so I thought I would save you the trouble. My right half eyebrow appears to have grown back somewhat and I still have eyebrows (yipppeeee), my eyelashes are thinner again – MUST get the false ones soon – my right lower leg still hairy, but thinner actual hairs and overall amount (no, I do not count them. Yet.) Most attractively I have white stubble on the top of my head – probably about 20% of my hair left, spread out across my head, very fine and very white on top. With an ingrown hair somewhere there that hurts. No underarm or bikini hair (umm, how am I meant to refer to ‘down there’??!!).

I can see the light – no, I have not become born again – just that the darkness continues to lift. For the first time in longer than I actually care to admit to myself or anyone, I believe that I may get well – or to put it in positive affirmation terms, I am well. I have been pretty convinced that I would recover from this cancer, but then have another recur – I think that is how my fear has been manifesting: I don’t pretend to understand it since fear is never rational. I knew of course that thinking like this was manifesting negativity – I get all of that – and that in turn made me try to bury the fear deeper. Which may well be the root of the insomnia – I am not sure yet. But it’s the first time I’m actually admitting this, the first time I’ve let it out into the light really. Is this why I feel lighter? I am not sure – but I know that I do feel like a weight is lifting, and not just the last chemo darkness, but that something more significant has shifted. I was dreading this last chemo like I hadn’t any of the others, and rightly so as it turns out since it was by far the most difficult and horrible in so many ways. But coming out the other side of it, it feels like something major has lifted: I feel today for the first time in what feels like a very long time, happy. That all of this is worth it, I am recovering, I will be cancer free and get my life back. I’ve had bursts of positivity – but can’t recall when I last felt happy – so its bloody great. I’m tired, the physical side effects remain in bucketloads, but I can see happiness in my horizon and that is a great feeling :-).